Leaving, on the jet plane...

Weeeeeeee, I’m flying… I feel so weightless and airy and light and wonderful…

No, really, I’m in an airplane flying towards Warsaw. The sun is shining and I am tired. My sty’s itching like a biatch and I cannot stop yawning. So far, after a 5 am start: I’m in the good seat, I did some work, I wrote my check in and I read the Daily Reflections. Overall, a really good start to the day.

My head’s fucked though. I am apprehensive about being away from my routine so much and not having the anchor of a meeting. I’m nervous because at work, my peers and manager know me as someone who eats lots. I mean, someone who eats like a horse. You know, like those annoying skinny people that can pack away a starter and a big-man-meal and dessert and then will still ask for a taste of whatever you’re eating and will also eat half of YOUR dessert. One of those annoying ones who then say stuff like ‘oh, I guess I just have lucky genes’. Yeah, that’s the person my team thinks I am, except I never EVER say it’s my genes. Cuz that would be bullshit. I mean, the whole thing is utter crap anyway.

In the past, before they knew me, I did eat that much (and oh, so much more) and then I would go and puke it back up. I don’t do that anymore, which I am so very proud of and happy with. BUT, when I first met them, I put this persona on, this ‘I can eat whatever I want and that should elicit admiration from you’ persona and now it feels like I’ve manoeuvred myself into this corner and it’s hard to get out of it. I think there is this expectation now that I will dig into whatever food is put in front of me. That scares me, because part of me likes playing that persona, part of me wants to be able to dig in, that part of me very much like hearing ‘how can you eat that much?’ or ‘where does it all go?’. It’s a fraud though. How would they react, if I changed and stopped doing that?

If I change my behaviour, would that cause problems? I mean, would they judge me or think less of me? What am I scared off?

Being liked less, being less than, being deigned insufficient, not being enough – those are all things I am scared of.