Kopfkino aka head cinema

The German language is beautiful. It has a word for my condition, I mean aside from crazy, insane, addicted, insecure - there's a word for when your head just doesn't stop. It's called 'Kopfkino', or head cinema. To me, it's when I have my internal voice, when I'm stuck on the blame train, talking to myself negatively or going over and over things, overanalysing, black and white thinking.

I am currently in my own head, trying to make sense of the story that unfolded yesterday.

I had process group last night and upon coming home, had a very upsetting conversation with the British Boy about how I feel about his scepticism around therapy. A while back, I had asked him if he would accompany me to my therapist. He reluctantly said: "Yes, if it helps you." Last night, we talked about the upcoming session next week, the first one where he would join me. I don't even remember what it was he said, I only remember I felt attacked and a need to defend myself. Simultaneously, I was trying to get him to see my way. I felt ridiculed and belittled when he used the word "psychobabble" and became overwhelmed when he showed signs of agitation and annoyance.

The truth is, I had asked him to come to therapy with me next week, so the therapist can tell him he needs therapy too. I think,  I want him there for completely the wrong reasons. I wanted him to come so someone can look at him and tell him he needs it too. Which is me just trying to distract from myself, possibly. I realize that I want to deflect from me.

I partly feel that a moderated environment might help me not feel so overwhelmed when he goes all logical statements and English dictionary on me. I asked him this AM to not come, as I need to go focus on myself and don't feel it will be of any help if he accompanies me with that much reluctance. In hindsight, I can also see myself wanting to retaliate. If he doesn't want to be there, then fine, I don't want him there either.

He got really upset and I wanted to comfort him, but after speaking about the drama triangle at aftercare yesterday, I felt like I had been persecuting him for not wanting to come with joy and openness, which turned him into a victim and led to me wanting to rescue him. Am I in a drama triangle with the British Boy? Would that mean this kind of situation will arise again and again? That thought scares me. I'm sad, and also think I might be overanalysing and overdramatizing things.