Summertime and living is still hard sometimes

The sun was out and I soaked up the energy. It's Sunday night as I write this and I feel knackered. In a good way.

 

After the lovely Friday night, we prepped for our dinner party. That is, the British Boy stayed at home and cooked and I got my hair cut and highlighted, walked back from Central London with a fellow and sat outside with a frittata made with kale from our garden and a salad of rocket and spinach from our garden too.

Kale, prosciutto, zucchini frittata and salad with cherry tomatoes.

And then this happened:

 

I am getting very obsessive about what Max is preparing, how he is preparing it and how much of it I will eat. I saw all the yummy stuff he bought and I don't want to miss out. My body gets tight and tense when I think about how I will interact with the food. And then I think about how dissatisfied I am with my body at the moment and that makes me sad, because I can see that it's not nice to myself, and I'm angry because I cannot see a way out that thinking. It's uncomfortable and it won't go away. My hearts desire is to accept that it is how I feel and that I don't try and force myself to suppress it or move on, and move through it however long it takes. I am worrying more about the food than the chance to have a great evening and connect and have fun with friends. I am looking forward to seeing them, enjoying their company. 

After I had written that, I tried on a pair of trousers for the party. Oh, the mayhem that ensued!
I cried and felt so angry at myself after realizing I didn’t fit in yet another pair of trousers; I was drawn into a pit of self-pity and despair and just didn’t see a way out. Max tried to give me comfort and console me, which I was unable to accept. Then friends came over and I started feeling better. I stuck imperfectly to my food plan and am ok with it. 

 

Today, I woke up feeling not nearly as hung over as the other people, went for a run and got already quite a few things done. It’s a wonderful day and I am looking forward to whatever will come my way.

Summertime