Nothing to write

I have not that much to share, which is a good thing, I guess. Easter is relaxing and quite uneventful. No major disasters.

I woke up yesterday, had a big bowl of porridge with apple, berries and a side of smoked salmon. I couldn't resist it. I don't normally buy it, so I felt I should take advantage of having it around at the in laws. In hindsight, I'd probably have to say that this is a perfect example of my fear of missing out. One of the main reasons why I eat compulsively throughout the day is fuelled by a sense of greed. What if the one thing I don't have is the best thing ever and I missed it?!? I know that's not likely the case at all, yet that is what my head tells me.

After a rejuvenating walk in the country side and a long chat with a lovely fellow 12stepper, I had a big bowl of unpictured leftover chick pea and lamb stew. My afternoon snack was an orange, some blue cheese and two crackers. Tied me over nicely until dinner, where I went greedy again and had some of the two things on offer (my mother in law is a pescetarian).

 

 My check in this morning:

 

I loved yesterday spending time with the British Boy and his family, I loved that I shouted my being a commitment to balance whilst walking in the country side, and I am grateful that I had a deep and meaningful conversation with a fellow.

 

Today, I feel guilty as I actually cheated the food plan as in that I had food from both protein options. I had both salmon and chicken curry, though in all honesty, one would have been sufficient. I know it's progress already that I only had one plate, albeit a large one, and that I had carbs, sine I would normally have no carbs at all.

 

I am looking forward to the day, it’s sunny and I have no plans aside to go for a spring time run and being honest with my food. I am a commitment to balance.

 

After my run, my brunch was this huge salmon salad with soy glazed vegetables, mango, blueberries and strawberries as well as a piece of toast with honey and marmite and butter and orange marmalade.

I divide the toast into four parts, each with its own topping, so I get a taste of all the things I fancy.

 

 

The rest of the day was spent watching movies on the couch whilst knitting and having both a light late lunch of a salad with leftover chicken curry and chick peas on top as well as an amazing Easter treat that is ridiculously easy to make and tastes decadent. Picture in the next post.

 

 

Oh, almost forgot, I told my brother in law and his girlfriend about my eating disorder. They reacted totally cool and I am mightily relieved because I now can be me, tell them when I don't want to eat something, why I am on the phone so much and also don't feel I have to lie when I am going to meetings etc. Feels wonderful.

 



A week of firsts

I had a week of firsts, starting last Sunday, when I had a baked white (!) potato for dinner. That's quite an accomplishment for me, who normally runs screaming the other way if there are 'unapproved' carbs on my plate. I am now having carbs with each meal and am moving into new territories. It was delicious. Can't believe I can eat a potato.

Another first was the thought that I did not HAVE to weigh myself. I had several days of realizing how scared I was of the impeding Easter holiday at the British Boy's parents. They have a scale and I have always weighed myself there. With my morning check ins, I realized what importance I ascribe to that event. And regardless of what the scale would say, I would either feel elated (If I weighed less) or sad and devastated and feeling like a failure if I weighed more. I asked my mother in law to put the scales away. It was difficult to do, but I am writing this blog whilst we're already at theirs and I have to say, not having a number hovering in the back of my mind is freeing.

I took Tuesday off from work and had a day to recharge my batteries. I did feck all.

Ok, I did less than I would normally try to cram into the day. Breakfast in bed was failed coconut flour pancakes, which I just tore up, topped with fruits and nuts and PB2 sauce.

 

 

It filled me up for a day of going to get my blood test redone, buying wool for knitting and lazing in bed watching a movie. It was a shitty movie, but the main fact is that I was relaxed.

 

On Thursday, I walked to work. I love walking early in the morning on a sunny day, when London is just waking up.

 

 



 

For dinner that night, I had a stir fry of veg and egg to clear out the fridge before the weekend away.

 

 

 

Where is the carbs? Well, I thought it would be a good idea to have my carbs as popcorn. There was that voice in my head questioning if that was in fact a rather stupid idea; that feeling in my stomach of unbalance, which I duly ignored. I ate lots more after that. I really struggled with my food plans (or lack thereof). I intentionally overate on both Wednesday night and Thursday night. On both nights, I was alone at home, had emotional discussions/events either impending or just behind me and I shoved my face with stuff I had not planned on. Emotional eating, anyone? Hell yes. It scared me how powerless I was and how much I ate. I didn't throw up, which is amazing.

 

I had to acknowledge my powerlessness and decided to start texting each meal to my sponsor. Yesterday, for the first time, I feel I totally stuck to my food plan. That's the first I am most proud of.

 

This was my breakfast after I had decided to hand over my food:

 

 

Boiled egg, brown soda bread with butter, orange marmalade and seed butter, cucumber.
 

 

My check in: Yesterday, I loved walking in the quiet, crisp clear morning, hearing the seagulls cry, seeing and feeling the sun and feeling alive and connected. I loved the taste of coffee, the feeling of serenity after acupuncture and of a new day starting.
I overate again last night after a particularly emotionally difficult conversational with a fellowship member. I felt attacked and defensive when she shared how my actions made her feel. I received and still mull over the feedback she shared with me, that I was not emphatic and self centred and tried to control her. As I write this, guilt and shame wash over me. I acknowledge that I had tried to control her and although my intentions were not malicious, they had an upsetting impact on her. I am glad we spoke about it and yesterday, I wrote my hearts desire was for us to stay open and honest friends. At the moment, I don't know how to engage with her, as I was previously trying to help and it was misunderstood. My hearts desire is to know and speak my truth.

For the food, I have asked my sponsor to help me. I am texting her everything I eat, when I eat it.

I am a commitment to balance. 



Mind workout...

 

 I did not work out today. It bothers me that I didn't. My messed up brain makes me believe that the mere fact of having a couple of rest days in a row means I will be on my way to be grotesquely fat, which also means that I will be an utter failure and that I am unloveable.

This is a broken record and I feel as if I even bore myself with it. I want to write it, despite feeling it's insignificant, because it is significant. My thoughts keep returning to this taunting mantra of 'you didn't work out, you don't even know how many calories you've eaten all last week, you're on your way to becoming fat and a failure and an out of control disgusting being.' The twat in my head is very mean.

The fact is, intellectually, I very much understand that this is my fear, my insecurity, my low self esteem talking. That eating the way I ate last week was fairly healthy. Yes, I had chocolate and sometimes a dessert and a few glasses of alcohol, but overall I had nourishing foods. What I am actually scared by is that I know I am cheating my food plan by making my portions humongous. Like two servings big. And no matter how much healthy stuff is in it, if I eat more than I need, I will store this extra stuff somewhere. So, whilst the catastrophizing thoughts are definitely unhealthy and destructive, the fact that I make my meals so big to try and fill the emptiness inside me is an active aspect of my eating disorder that I want to let go.

I am hiding my portion size behind the cloak of not wanting to under-eat. Balance. There it is again - the all-pervading concept I strive for. I find balance.

I am a commitment to balance.

I worked from home on Friday, had breakfast of oats, yoghurt, fruit and nuts. I love this goats yoghurt. 

After work, I met with a friend for dinner at a local pub. We ate, but more importantly, we talked. Honestly and openly. For dinner, I had a quarter chicken with honey roasted thyme carrots and a parsnip mash with wholegrain mustard. I finished it. 

Saturday, the check in revealed that my conversation with my friend had actually impacted me more than I first realized.

I am grateful for having run a successful meeting yesterday, for getting out into the cold and move, for having met and spent the evening with a friend.

I am feeling meh, unsatisfied as things don't turn out the way I envisioned them. I feel so exhausted, yet was unable to sleep longer, I have not calorie counted for a week and am disliking how my thighs touch each other, I have eaten lots last night (have not had a food plan for the week and feel like I should probably have one again).

I have taken Tuesday off, trying to get some breathing space, but I fear I have high expectations of a quick fix that likely won't address my exhaustion.

Also, my friend yesterday called me 'grown up' and 'inflexible', which is true, I am unyielding and tense, scared of flowing and letting go. I am scared.

My hearts desire is to acknowledge the fear and still let go. I am a commitment to balance and letting go

I went to a meeting, had acupuncture and relaxed at home. My eats:

Breakfast was an omelette with sautéed veggies and chipotle salsa. On the side a slice of home-made whole-wheat soda bread with some jam.

 

Lunch was a shop bought winter vegetable soup with frozen spinach thrown in and a bit of leftover French Onion Soup the British Boy had made. It transformed a mediocre soup into something much more tasty. It was exactly what my cold and shivering body craved after a walk in the slushy rain.

Yesterday's dinner was Thai take away, but I also ate an entire roasted head of cauliflower on top of an already filling dinner.

Today's check in:

Yesterday, I loved meeting the girls to go to a meeting together, getting acupuncture to detox and balance, having a hot soup after a bracing walk, sitting on the sofa lazily and watching movies and ordering in Thai food.

Today, I felt guilty about the amount of food I ate. I also feel sceptical towards the acupuncture, and i feel lost without the structure of planning my day. I am also starting to feel stressed about tomorrows work day. My hearts desire is to stay present and enjoy the day with the British Boy.

Thinking about yesterday more, in relation to food, I want go own up that I ate a lot more than I needed. I was looking for some reassurance by feeling full, very full. As if that was an anchor, something tangible I could rely on. I want to remind myself that now, in hindsight, that did not work. I feel as insecure as I did before I ate... I said in the meeting yesterday I would have a meal plan, yet I did not write it down. I will write one now.

I am a commitment to balance and mindfulness.
My food so far:

Coconut flour and oat pancakes with sautéed apples, seed butter and agave syrup. 

Lunch was leftover Thai Chicken Tom Yum soup with added veg and I had two pieces of chocolate as well as an eighth of double chocolate vegan cupcake.

I LOVE Thursdays!

I really do, mostly because they're only one day away from Friday, which is practically part of the weekend already. Aaah, weekend, the thought of sleeping in and resting and relaxing makes me physically go soft and calm. I long for the weekend.

It's been a hectic week so far. Feels like I've been fighting fires at work and had challenges that really hit my core (as much as I am open to inviting others to provide me with constructive feedback, I have such a hard time not taking it personally!).

Amazing fact number 1: I have not thought about calories obsessively all week. Don't get me wrong, I have not gone all out and started eating loaves upon loaves of white bread or cakes or pizza or pasta, which are things I am still intimidated by. I make healthy choices and think about whether my craving/hunger actually signals my body's needs for sustenance or for comfort. I try not to eat for comfort - it never fills the hole and emptiness.

So here are some of my meals this week:

Tuesday Night, dinner with a dear dear friend. Each time I see her, I walk away with my head full of ideas, she's that inspirational. I had an amazing burger with fried egg, raw beetroot, a soft-squishy bun and a side salad at the Ginger Pig Cafe in Hoxton whilst catching up, talking about life and dreams and holidays!

 Wednesday night was a delicious bowl of quinoa, vegetables, avocado and chipotle salsa.

 

 

 

And breakfast this AM was a hearty slice of my Irish Brown Soda bread that I pulled out of the freezer, topped with a quarter of a big avocado, chili flakes, lime and salt & pepper. This filled me up right until 1:30pm.

Here is my check in today (and I have gone for a walk today, did some meditation at lunch and am now trying to finish up on several things at work):

I am thankful for yesterday:

• Being able to run to work, despite now suffering from hip pain again.
• Enjoying a lovely dinner in the evening.
• Having good chats with people at work.
• Having a meaningful therapy session.
• Having enough money to pay for all the things in life I enjoy.
• Not throwing up.

Today, I feel anxious and overwhelmed. I have taken on too much – back to back meetings, with a plumber coming at some point, so I’ll potentially have to drop out of an important meeting to let her in. My shoulders are tight and my breath is shallow. I am not fully engaging with the program, with my inner spot of calmness. I feel rushed and under pressure.

I have 1 hour at lunch where I would like to meditate for 10 minutes. If I can’t at that time, I’d like to do that in the evening.

I am a commitment to balance.

Holy smokes, batman...

... what an exhaustive weekend. I am tired and sad and raw and hopeful and thankful and calm and and and.

It's best described in my check ins. First yesterday's:

I am thankful for having a sponsor, for having friends, for feeling loved, being loved and for being able and willing to be honest with myself.

I am tired. I just had a meeting with my sponsor, a wonderful woman, and she compassionately listened to everything I said, how my week in Seattle went, how last night went, how work is, how devastated I am about not sticking to my plan, how I struggle to let go, how I feel I need to do so many things this weekend, this week, this life... and then she said, "I hear that you're very tired." it never occurred to me that I might be tired, that my expectations of myself go beyond the food and body and work, that my high expectations of myself span actually everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. She suggested taking 5 more minutes in the morning or evening, identifying one area that pulls on me, one of my problems, and consciously putting that away and handing it over to the universe, letting it go. She also suggested taking a pebble and putting it in the corner of our garden, symbolically putting that one thing to the side and trusting that this thing will be taking care of by the universe.

She also suggested that I try and be kinder to myself, that I identify my high expectations and let them go. I don't know how. Maybe I don't think I need to know how, it'll happen.

I am a commitment to balance.
Then, today's:
Yesterday, I felt utterly drained, tired, sad, scared and angry and I am thankful for that. Thankful for feeling rather than suppressing feelings. I am so thankful for soft friends, for loving conversations, for a day free of obsession.

I had, after my meeting with my sponsor, a profound experience. I understood, saw with utter certainty, that to heal and get better, I had to let go of counting calories. I know, this might be a 'duh' fact for others, but for me to take action was as scary as first admitting my powerlessness over food. In fact, it was admitting exactly that, on a different level. A new, deeper level.

It scared me so much: the thought of not having that crutch filled me with existential fear. That sounds so dramatic, yet when I deleted my calorie counting and exercise tracking account, I felt so bereft and alone, I started crying - in broad daylight in the middle of the road. Not quietly, but properly. I had let go of that old trapeze, because I knew I couldn't hold on to it any longer and I was so scared of not making it to the next trapeze. I was, and to an extent still am, terrified of what would happen if I didn't make it across. Am I enough for myself? Is nature, the universe, anyone going to catch me if I fall? I called people, raw, full of fear, and they were there for me. I was there for me. It was very emotional. I kept on bursting into tears several times yesterday and kept on handing over my self will and control and I am learning to trust that things are balancing out, naturally, without me trying to control.

Today, I am still sad and scared and exhausted. My body feels heavy all over. I will be soft and kind to myself and not ask too much of me. I am a commitment to balance and letting go.



My eats were actually nourishing, delicious and just right what my body needed. For breakfast on Saturday, before meeting with my sponsor, I had a green monster smoothie made of kale, oats, left over sheep's milk yoghurt, banana and a bit of vanilla essence. I sunk a handful of blueberries in it, a spoonful of pepita sunflower seed butter and finished with a sprinkling of coconut and kasha. It's green in honour of St. Patrick's Day.

My lunch, after crying and sobbing and letting go, was a plate of veggies, a fried egg and two small toasts topped with Beecher's raw milk flagship, which I had brought back from Seattle. It is a great cheddar cheese.

Dinner was an unpictured meal of carrot and coriander soup followed by a roasted piece of salmon with new potatoes and broccoli. This was a first, eating the potatoes... I could not bring myself to eat all of them, but I ate a 'normal person's portion'. It's a step into the right direction.

The evening finished with watching Sleepless in Seattle, eating a minute portion of leftover gluten, dairy and sugar free avocado and chocolate tart and a solero.

For breakfast this morning, after meditating, I had a portion of French toast with apple, blueberries, roasted hazelnuts and a cinnamon peanut flour drizzle.

I ran to a meeting, visited a friend's house and came back to have unpictured chicken Sunday roast with the British Boy. I just finished dinner, a bed of kale topped with butternut squash (roasted in coconut oil), roasted red pepper, zucchini, mushrooms and topped with mini mackerel oat cakes.

I am full and I have no idea how many calories I consumed today. I found myself reaching for my phone, to put my calories into the app that is no longer installed, and reminded myself that I fed my body when it was hungry and that calorie counting is not the answer to anything and actually only perpetuates my disease.

To keep me honest, I struggled today with letting go over an exchange with a very close OA friend. I wrote her a text last night that upset her and she didn't reply, which is something that she had never done before. I felt guilty for having been confrontational with her and maybe not as soft and kind and understanding as I could have been, especially as she was there for me when I was so terrified yesterday. I projected how I would like to be treated onto her and when she didn't get back to me, I felt 'less than' and started obsessing about it. Intermingled with all that was real concern for her well being. She has since gotten in touch and explained why she hadn't been replying. The whole episode made me aware that I use others to validate myself. I feel quite sad for her and also for myself and I am intimidated and unsure how to interact with her going forward. British Boy just told me I am catastrophizing and overanalyzing. Pffft.

I'll go swimming tomorrow, hoping for no yucky bits...

That Friday Feeling...

... I have it and I cannot wait for the weekend to start. I am itching to go to a meeting, it's been my first full week back after my binge-y Seattle trip and I crave the support of the group. I haven't been to a meeting on Monday, as there was a work do and when I went to group therapy on Wednesday, I ended up listening to a lecture rather then letting off steam at group. I wanted to go to a meeting yesterday prior to going to the theatre with the British Boy, but found out, that group was cancelled due to electricity problems in the building.

Luckily I was able to have a call with a friend, who just made me feel so much better. It felt like my own private meeting, where I could complain and think out loud and get stuff out of my head, before my kopfkino started.

So, this morning, I checked in as such:

Yesterday, I was thankful for sticking to my food plan, for the sunshine, for a long walk and talk with a friend, for watching a lovely piece of theatre.

Today, I am feeling thankful for being able to run to the office despite the rain, for hot water. I am anxious about a couple of deadlines and meetings, and just acknowledge that there is fear  and that whatever gets done today and whatever is left undone, I am enough.

I am also anxious about dinner tonight, when we have friends come round. I will write my food plan to my sponsor now and will surrender to it.

I am a commitment to balance and surrender.

Breakfast was Overnight Oats topped with whole fat sheep's yoghurt, grapefruit, Sharon fruit, muesli mix, kasha & cinnamon.

Lunch was a big salad from the canteen with chicken, peas, sweet corn, mixed beans, whole wheat croutons, almonds, broccoli, beet root and caper berries. Drizzled with Peri-Peri sauce and balsamic vinegar.

Once my workday is over, I'll head up to a meeting and then home for the dinner that I both look forward to and also dread.

I ran to work this morning, 5 miles in a drizzly grey London, because I got so freaked out about dinner, so worried about all the calories that the food and alcohol represent, that I felt I had to offset the intake by doing some exercise. I know this might be normal for normal people, i.e. thinking 'I will work out today, which will balance out that I might splurge a bit tonight', but I have to be honest. I was feeling compulsive about it. Had I not run in, I would have been a miserable person and would not at all look forward to dinner. I am already nervous as it is, but without the run I'd have been in tatters. At least, that's what I think.

It's so darn difficult, I think I have an exercise addiction - I get really antsy if I don't work out and letting that go will be one of the things I will start working on.

One step at a time - today, all I need to do is stick to my plan and get to a meeting.

Back in the swing of things

I feel more grounded today. More like I'm back in the swing of things. I received the sweetest, kindest message from one of my fellows, thanking me for urging her to come back and for offering my help on Sunday. It made me feel so useful and thankful and just warm and gooey in the heart.

And then I catch sight of my belly and how it's slightly rounded and I don't know if it's in my head because of Seattle or if it's true, but I feel like it's bigger and I find myself being disgusted with myself. I even catch myself scrunching up my face in disgust. It's so hard to be aware that I'm doing that and also then to stop myself. I will continue trying.

So far, food has been good today. Slightly more snacking than intended, but nothing alarming.

Breakfast was whipped banana oatmeal topped with apple, kasha (roasted buckwheat) and pepita sun seed butter from Naturally Nutty, which I bought at the Great Harvest Bread Co in Seattle a few days ago. Ah-ma-zing... Organic, slightly sweet and crunchy, yet not totally sticky. I really like this sun seed butter. Wish I had bought the big tub...

After meetings and several hours of intense work, I had a huge bowl of kale, brown rice, roasted sweet potatoes with sautéed mushrooms, zucchini, onion and carrot sprinkled with nutritional yeast.

Very filling, yet I found myself having an apple, a square of dark chocolate, half a flax muffin and a small bag of oat bakes throughout the afternoon.

I'm currently feeling full, slightly lazy and very very tired. I wish I could go to bed, but I made a commitment to go to pilates this PM, so I should. I will.

And I want to stop eating just out of boredom. I'm not even hungry most of the times... just craving to fill the hole in me. Food only fills it temporarily though and not at all in a satisfying way.

Back at home

I am back. What a whirlwind week it's been, full of slips, challenges and triumphs. Full of learning a lot about myself and my self-will. Full of opportunities and temptations and full of great achievements.

Below are my check ins in chronological order - followed by my lunch and dinner yesterday.

Monday, March 4th:

Nothing can describe how thankful and grateful and happy I felt yesterday, starting with thanks for lovely bday messages, the love of my parents, the British Boy, my family and friends to the fact that the sun was shining in Seattle! I was thankful for being able to walk, for the people attending the meeting I went to, to the fact that I could simply walk into a shop and spend money without having financial worries. I loved and was blown away by my bday dinner and felt a real connection to everyone there. What a fantastic day.

Today, the sun is shining again, I want to put my plan into action and have already started doing so. I trust that if I follow it, I will maintain my abstinence. I feel good and nervous about meeting a lot of new people, and also excited.
I ate more than I wanted, and most importantly, needed, last night. The past is in the past and I'll focus on today.

I am a commitment to balance and love for myself.

Tuesday, March 5th:

Yesterday, I was thankful for sleeping for 6 hours, for being given an opportunity to take on more responsibility by presenting a piece of strategy, which went really well; thankful for an entire room of people I don’t know singing happy birthday to me; for sunshine; for not throwing up despite having had a mini binge. I ended up feeling really greedy at lunch, ate twice the amount that most other women did, had a lot of the snacks whilst drinking and wanted to do the right thing and not continue drinking, so went to my room and ended up eating a lot of crap. Stuffing my face senselessly. It was quite shocking as I had done the outreach to the people in the programme and done my morning reading and texted my group. I didn’t follow my eating plan though and that was what brought me to down.

Today, I am feeling guilty for yesterday and like I want to make up for it by restricting severely. This isn’t good and I acknowledge that I simply had an experience that I can learn from. I went for a short run this AM and am now feeling less compulsive about the food. I am a commitment to balance and my hearts desire is to stick to the food plan.

Wednesday, March 6th:

Yesterday, I am thankful for not having purged, for having been able to run, for laughing, for being able to give feedback to others.

Today, I am feeling tense, nervous, scared, guilty and also hopeful. I smoked a cigarette last night, ate a lot last night, felt uncomfortably full of food I would normally not eat. I wrote my food plan, committed it and feel positive. Yoga this AM helped me focus on surrendering.

I am a commitment to balance and softness for myself.

Thursday, March 7th
Yesterday, I was thankful for feeling free of compulsion up until dinner, for having a productive day at the conference, for not breaking my abstinence.

Today, I feel horribly guilty and very punitive towards myself. I stuck to the plan, and then dinner ended up surprising me, buffet style food again , arriving at a delay, I ate so much, my team noted on it, saying how I could stay that slim eating THAT much. They also got me a birthday cake, which I ended up eating all off and more of other peoples. I've not felt that full since my purging time. I didn't purge, but am now awake and still feel full. I will focus on my food plan for today, I cannot change what happened yesterday, only focus on today.
I'm a commitment to balance.

Friday, March 8th:
Here's the view from the Seattle Space Needle. It was a great last night in the city.
Yesterday, I was thankful for not being too harsh on myself, for not punishing myself, for having a lovely evening on the space needle with a palm reader and for the support of friends and fellows.

Today, I was shameful for yet another night of overeating, but am so very hopeful, thankful and happy to go back home. I have learned so much about myself and my processes and will definitely change how I approach business travel going forward.

I am a commitment to balance.

Saturday, March 9th:
I am thankful for having had a chance to see my ex-colleagues, finish the summit with a positive feeling, fir having had a safe trip, get a little sleep and for being back at home. I am also thankful for having not thrown up, for being aware that I still eat compulsively and emotionally.

Today, I feel full from the scone I just ate on top of my airplane breakfast, and ashamed about how much I am still in the clutches of my eating disorder. I felt I should be able to control my eating more. Yet control is exactly what I should surrender. What I am still having difficulties with. I am also already plodding how to lose the weight I put on, which is probably not the kindest or most compassionate approach. I am a commitment to balance and softness.

Sunday, March 10th:

Yesterday, I was thankful for my health, for being back home, for getting a good seat in the plane, for finishing unpacking.

Today, I am worried that despite being back home yesterday, I still overate. I know this was due to me being tired, lonely and scared, and also because of an unwillingness to reach out to people. I am scared about weight gain, I have overeaten about 6000 cals in total, which equates about 2lbs. Since I don't have scales, I imagine my body to be this grotesque wobbly thing, which intellectually, I know it’s not, but I cannot stop feeling disgusted by me and angry with myself. I will go to a meeting this morning.

I am a commitment to balance and willingness.

Lunch was a Buddha bowl - brown rice, roasted broccoli, red peppers, red onions, sweet potato, sautéed kale, fresh carrots, alfalfa sprouts and avocado all drizzled with a tahini-miso sauce. So filling and belly-warming.

 

Dinner was a slow cooked Chipotle Chili con Carne with more avocado, cilantro and tortilla wedges. Again, something very delicious and satisfying.

 

Monday, March 11th:

Yesterday was my first day back, I don't just mean physically, but mentally and spiritually too. I felt much more connected to my program, to my fellows, my support net and to myself. I am thankful for the coincidence of running down a particular street at just that time, when someone walked towards me who I knew. I am utterly touched and in awe of her opening up to me, allowing me to offer and accepting my help. I am also very happy about not obsessing about food, about short notice visits and about my openness to see my conversation with the British Boy as an opportunity to be challenged rather than an attack (although that insight only came this morning :)).

Today, I feel self conscious about my face and the huge red spot on my chin that feels like a second head. I am also quite stressed about all the things I want to do/ feel I NEED to do. Simultaneously, I am very much looking forward to tonight, meeting friends.

Scanning my body, I feel tense, like a fiddle, ready to have my strings snap with the smallest tension applied. I think I was like that all week and even though I worked out, it was not the balance I needed. I am not sure what I need, but my hearts desire is to relax, soften and find serenity. I think that comes with acceptance.

I am a commitment to balance and acceptance.

Lost

I feel lost today and yesterday and I'm having a really hard time being kind to myself.

I feel lost in food. I really want to focus on being kind to myself, to being not so critical and harsh and have just this anger in me - at me - for having so completely failed at this food planning and sticking to it business. I have been horrendously overeating Monday and today as well.

That's actually quite harsh. If my fellow-friends would have said this, I would tell them that the most important aspect to focus on are the positives - that I haven't purged, that overeating by a bit for two days in a row is not the end of the world, that these are good opportunities to learn from and that I might benefit from writing a food plan and trying praying and meditation before each meal.

I have written a food plan for tomorrow:
Breakfast: 1 plate of the buffet style breakfast containing fruit, yoghurt, some granola and potentially some protein and complex carbs if possible.
Lunch: 1 plate of main, a mix of 1 portion carbs, 1 portion protein, 2 portions vegetables.
Afternoon snack: 1 serving of trail mix or fruit/veg.
Dinner: 1 main at the restaurant; 1 glass of wine (but only if the other meals go well).

I will also go to a yoga class in the AM to help with the meditation. I'll go to bed now, feeling uncomfortably full again and not quite being able to stop yelling at myself in my head.

I'm so very glad this is just a 1 week stint and also that I have not purged. It's been 4 months today since I last puked. Yay!!!

Sleepless in Seattle

Zombie in Seattle, more likely....

I went to bed at 10pm last night, trying to get myself adjusted to the time zone. Erm, yeah, that ended up being a massive fail. 4 hours later, at an ungodly 2am, I woke up, unable to fall back asleep.

My check in:

Regarding yesterday, I am thankful for a safe flight, a delicious breakfast and dinner, for not puking despite really feeling a strong want, for a hot bath and for all my friends and fellows.

Today, I am awake after 4 hours of sleep, feeling very drowsy, yet unable to sleep more. I feel guilt for my 'who cares' attitude to food last night, as I overate. I am thankful though for the support and help I now can ask for and receive from within me and outside of me. I am a commitment to balance and being very loving and kind to myself today.


I skyped with my parents, listened to voicemails and ended up at the hotel gym at 5.30am.

After a 45min elliptical session, 15min crossfit, and with the plan to do a lot of walking, I treated myself to crab cakes, poached eggs and sautéed greens at Portage Bay Cafe, which has an amazing, organic brunch menu.

I walked to a 12 step meeting, did some shopping and spent the early afternoon at Ballard Sunday Market, having a mishmash of lunch.

At the market, I got some vegetable hash, made of beets, kale & carrots.

The main attraction for me though was not the market itself, but the Great Harvest Bread Co. in Ballard. I am an avid reader of Kath's and have been salivating over her gorgeous photos for more than a year now. Whenever she describes the bread, I wonder of my imagination and the reality match. Living in London makes coming by Great Harvest bread slightly difficult, so I could not pass up the opportunity to try it.

It was effing amazing. Would I not stay here for another week, I'd have bought a loaf of that amazing whole wheat with seeds to take home to the UK. In lieu of that, I ended up buying the pepita sun seed nutbutter, which is also pretty darn scoffable.

Now, I have to get my tired butt out again. Some of my friends are coming to downtown Seattle to celebrate my birthday with me. I shall see how long I last.

Whole food in Seattle

I am currently in a bed in a hotel in Seattle. Exhausted, trying to force myself to stay awake to minimise the effects of jetlag. I also just spent $14 on three tea bags. Holy moly....

My check in this morning:

Yesterdays thankful list could be endless: I loved waking up and receiving a yummy cappuccino in bed; going for a short run and doing a 15min exercise routine; having private medical insurance and being able to get a referral process started for my hip; eating beautifully prepared, tasty food; seeing wonderful art; spending the most wonderful day with my husband; the love and friendship of so many people; not being restrictive despite eating and drinking lots and going over the calorie limit I set myself. I am also very happy I had my sad experience yesterday, as I was not alone, could express my sadness safely and just be. That was a first.
Today, I woke up with a fuzzy head and I am regretting the amount I drank. I had considered going for a run or doing some exercise, yet my body is stiff from yesterday and I am still lazily in bed. I am sad to be leaving Max and excited about going away. I am anxious about and preoccupied with weight gain over the past few weeks (tried on a pair of trousers that didn't fit anymore yesterday). My hearts desire is to let go of the obsessiveness around body weight and shape. I don't know how and assume it will come with time. Typing about weight, my stomach tenses up, I really have a physical reaction to this topic. I am a commitment to balance. Balance between awareness and preoccupation, mindfulness and obsessiveness.

I had a lovely breakfast, intending to keep me full, so I wouldn't go ballistic on the plane.

It was demolished pretty quickly and then I was off.

The 9 hour flight got delayed by an hour, I had a glass of sparkling wine, which I now wish I didn't. Upon arriving in Seattle, I went for a much needed walk, treated myself to a huge box of Wholefoods salad bar deliciousness and just finished with a hot bath, a couple of pieces of dark chocolate and said tea.

My belly is super full and I'll go to sleep now.

Happy and sad

Currently, I feel sad. I am sad for the loss of something that I never possessed. I think I'm sad because I wanted it badly.

It's quite pertinent that I sat in a doctor's waiting room this morning, because of pain in my hip, and observed two toddlers. One was playing merrily with his toys, smiling, looking content, seemingly happy with what he had. The other one, and maybe he was poorly and in pain, was wailing and repeating over and over what he wanted and needed. He went as far as taking toys away from the other child - not to play with them, just so the other one couldn't.

I very much identify with the second boy, the discontent one. I want and think I need, which is generally born out of an emptiness or perception of lack.


My check in this morning:

I was thankful yesterday for a great swim, for finding meaning in my morning reading, for getting a lot of my tasks at work done, for getting through the meeting I fretted about yesterday, for a lovely meal with my fellows, for being able to feel excitement for the things to come.

I woke up this morning feeling knackered yet excited. I am looking forward to today, to the lunch with the British Boy, to going to see an exhibition, to meeting friends in the evening and to flying. I am also apprehensive, and a bit scared, about my time in the US. I have a plan, I will stick to calling and texting people, doing morning readings and I want to practice mindfulness, which I find actually quite hard. My mind tends to wander and the constant exercise to bring it back to observer mode is exhausting and repetitive.

When checking myself, I feel my hip hurting, but I'm not annoyed by it. It's a fact and I'm sitting at the doctors right now, and I am doing what I can. Thinking about today, especially the food and alcohol, I feel a flutter of fear in my stomach. It's fear around the number of calories they contain and my fear of gaining weight. My hearts desire is to not let that fear get in the way of enjoying my day. I am a commitment to balance.

 

Well, so far, it's been the most wonderful day - the British Boy surprised me with a bunch of snowdrops, which made me cry. My dead granny would give a bunch to me each year for my birthday for as long as I can remember. No, it's not my birthday, but I will be in Seattle on the day, so we decided to celebrate 'It's-not-my-birthday'-day.

We had an amazing 3 course meal at a 2 Michelin star restaurant in London with beautiful food.

Started with champagne, as one would...

Went on to an un-pictured amuse bouche, followed by Norwegian Salmon Carpaccio with fennel.

Then the most succulent, melt in your mouth tender beef cheek in miso with seasonal vegetables.

Followed by amazing cheese.

The oozing Vacherin was my favourite, although the other one, and sorry, I can't remember the name, tasted mightily fine, very much like my favourite Comte, it was the Vacherin that stole the show.

I'm now at home, having almost finished packing my suitcase. I will meet some friends at a pub later on for drinks to celebrate my non-birthday. Yet, I am a bit sad for something didn't happen that I really wanted to happen. That I felt needed to happen. And it didn't. And it's ok that it didn't happen as much as it's ok that I feel sad about it not happening.

Feeling happy and sad in one.