Beijing - a once a lifetime trip

Did I mention that Communism played a big part in my life? I grew up in East Germany, so was a Young Pioneer at school, queued up outside stores for canned pineapple, oranges and bananas, did not know what a kiwi was until I was 9 years old.

I am fascinated by Communism and especially countries, where it is still active. Today, I will fly to Beijing for a week and I am excited, a bit nervous and feel incredibly lucky. You see, the lucky bit is that I have to pay fuck all. My company is sending me for training, it's a 3 day course and because of the timing of the flights and by adding a couple more days to sightsee, I will only fly back next week Sunday. I want to do so much! The Great Wall, Summer Palace, the Forbidden City, Tiananmen Square, eat Peking Duck, maybe do Tai Chi in one of the parks in the morning.

There's a plan in my pocket to keep me from stuffing my face with food and going overboard and I even found  meeting in Beijing that I plan on going to. I'll call people, do step work, read literature, write out my fears etc. I feel ok about this.

The last few days have been sane too from a food perspective. I had the odd snack that wasn't in the plan, but I don't have to be perfect.

I'm still in bed as I write this, so will get my butt in gear, have breakfast, finish packing, run to a meeting and then head off.

Just two pictures of my meals the last few days:

Breakfast whilst working from home - fried egg and avocado on brown soda bread.

Lunch of crunchy veggie salad with meatballs and a horseradish & goats cheese drizzle.

Gotcha!

Yesterday was a fucking rollercoaster.
My check in for yesterday shows how screwed up my head is:

Yesterday, I was thankful for the sun shining, for a day going by quickly with interesting topics and conversations, for a group of fellows, for recognizing that I am easily distracted by other people and my idea of fixing them rather than dealing with my own stuff.

Today, I'm currently struggling with perceived weight gain. I'm fixating on it and have difficulties accepting. I really want to restrict and lose the extra bits. I have also not been working out since Saturday, which adds to me feeling tense and annoyed. I took a couple of tests as I thought I was pregnant, they were negative. I feel sad and angry. My stomach is in knots. I will do your exercise once I'm out of the tube.

My hearts desire is to stick to my food plan and be free of obsession.

I am a commitment to balance

Yeah, that didn't quite happen. I felt so obsessive all day long yesterday, focussing on my belly flab (which wasn't helped by wearing tight, freshly washed jeans) and sent emergency texts to my friends for moral support.

They were there for me, they caught me whilst I was freaking out, catasthrophising. It sounds so mushy, but they supported me. It was wonderful and I am so thankful for someone to be there to tell me 'I've gotcha'.

Today's check in:

Yesterday, I was so very grateful for the support and sane perspective that everyone provided, for I felt quite insane. I am thankful for not having purged or severely overeaten and I am grateful to have friends, a home, a job, how much my life improved since November and that I am able to acknowledge and see my harmful thought patterns.

Today, I still feel a knotted sensation in my stomach and it's a sense of feeling overwhelmed. I tense up as I think of work, though I cannot even pin point what it is, just a panicky feeling that resulted in considering to quit yesterday (I know this was extreme and no matter where I would go, I would likely create similar pressure for myself).

My hearts desire is to focus just on today, to stay present and to not go to the food. I will write out my triangle for my 1:1 with the boss tomorrow.

I am a commitment to balance and being present.

Sun and tears and blueberries

I just cried, and now my nose is snotty. And my eyes look puffy and there's smeared mascara on my face. I look like a hooker after a particularly hard-working night and no sleep. Grand!

When I envisioned this day, the first double digit warm Sunday this year, I saw myself surrounded by friends, in a floaty and fashionable ensemble sitting in one of the inviting pub gardens, soaking up the sun whilst sipping a refreshing beverage and smiling lovingly at my wonderful husband. Reality check: curled up in foetal position on our spare room sofa, tear stained cheeks and mucus filled nostrils, whilst unwilling to talk to the man cuz it just makes me sad at the moment.

Catastrophizing, that's what my shrink calls it. It's the tendency to make the Alps out of a molehill. Not just the Alps, but being alone on the highest mountain of the Alps during the shittiest weather conditions without any gear or protection, all the while an avalanche hurtles towards me.

One might say that this sort of thinking and attitude is not necessarily in line with balance. Like, not even a little. Or at all.

The origin of the, as my dear friend Christin calls it, 'wormy day' (like an apple that has a worm in it, might look good on the outside, but once you take a bite, you've got a mouthful of worm shit to deal with) was his comment that I should try using expedia to search for our weekend getaway accommodation. I pointed out that tripadvisor was fine, thankyouverymuch. Cue - aggressive tone of voice from the Brit. I conveniently forgot that I might have sounded snarky to begin with and went into a downward spiral of insecurity and neediness.

I caught and held and was compassionate with myself though. Let myself cry, had a good long hug with the man and spat on my finger to wipe away the mascara stains.

Writing this blog also helps for sure. Food so far this weekend:

The British Boy brought me a cappuccino in bed despite suffering from man flu. Unpictured breakfast was chorizo and bean soup after acupuncture, followed by a meeting and a walk home with an OA friend. Lunch before meeting with my sponsor was a bowl of kale, roasted sweet potato, onion, red bell peppers, mushrooms and tomato topped with goats cheese.

 

I walked home in the rain from her house, arrived completely drenched. Squelchy shoes all the way. For dinner, we got Indian take away. My staple is a small fish tikka and a small chicken tikka. I ate the fish one on a bed of salad with daal masala as dressing spooned on top. I also had one poppadom, a solero, a hot chocolate and a piece of sea salt chocolate.

 

Later in the eve, I had an apple too. I had been running 4 miles and walked about another 5 miles, so my body probably needed it.

 

This morning, with the sun beckoning and the warm breeze, I had a smoothie made of kale, frozen spinach, frozen banana and frozen raspberries. It also contained some raw oats and coconut milk. All blended up, topped with blueberries, buckwheat groats, coconut and cinnamon.

 

 

 

This is a great summer favourite of mine and I cannot wait for the warmer weather to stay.

 

Time to help the British Boy moving some top soil to make sure our garden will be ready in time to sow our veg out next weekend.

April showers

All morning it's been raining cats and dogs, interspersed with sunny spells and greyness and blue skies. It's all a-changing rapidly. Good metaphor for my mood too at the moment. From elation and feelings of success to utter insecurity and overwhelm-edness.

I fucked up royally yesterday. I flat out lied to a colleague and I felt shitty, oh so shitty afterwards. When I told the British Boy, he suggested owning up to the fact that I'd lied.

I mean, what a novel idea, to actually turn around to someone who's face I've lied to and say 'Hi, you know, all the stuff I told you a few hours ago? That was lies. And when I fed into it to cover my own ass, that was lies to. Yes, I callously lied to your face because I was scared shitless.'

Even just typing it makes my skin crawl. I called her last night, after hours, and she sounded surprised. And I explained, with a very red shameful face and many apologies. I didn't say it as I typed it above, I was too much of a coward to be that direct. But I told her that I what I had said was not the truth, that it was my opinion, not someone else's. She was surprised and I think also relieved, because my lie had really hurt her. She was gracious and wonderful and I felt oh so relieved afterwards.

I ate before I called her though. Lots more than intended. And I had not made the connection until afterwards.

Anyway, my eats have been erratic over the last few days. A work trip to Warsaw meant I was faced with buffets almost each day. I have such a hard time resisting a buffet. I mean, I have to have one trip to choose what I do or don't like and a second one to eat only the things I found I liked. And then another one for the sweet stuff. I had more than what I needed. Especially the last night, I pretty much ate for three.

I am glad to be back home now, I feel more secure and safe at home. I had coconut flour pancakes for breakfast and just enjoyed a big salad of beetroot, smoked trout, goats cheese with mint and horseradish. On the side a toasted pita bread cut into slices for easy consumption.

Tonight, we're invited to a friend's birthday dinner. My food plan stipulates a starter and a main and 2 drinks. Should be a good night out. Now, I have to delve back into work, which is pure stress at the moment.

My check in:

Yesterday, I was thankful for coming back home, for a loving husband, for having the guts to own up something that was very shameful (I lied to a colleague about feedback), for having fellowship and for sunshine, for cycling along nice roads that evoked good memories.

Today, I am feeling impatient, I want to be done… I am not looking forward to the journey, I very much am focussed on the outcome. For example, I am looking to be done with all my flags in my inbox, regardless of what they represent (could be a cool project or just an approval). I am looking to lose the weight I think I put on during Warsaw, I look to finishing my day, without stopping to enjoy the journey. I am anxious that the end result won’t be good enough, that my body won’t be as I want it to be, that the projects won’t be as I feel they should be (highest expectations, probably totally unrealistic) etc.

My hearts desire is to enjoy the journey and be present.

I am a commitment to balance and being present.

Leaving, on the jet plane...

Weeeeeeee, I’m flying… I feel so weightless and airy and light and wonderful…

No, really, I’m in an airplane flying towards Warsaw. The sun is shining and I am tired. My sty’s itching like a biatch and I cannot stop yawning. So far, after a 5 am start: I’m in the good seat, I did some work, I wrote my check in and I read the Daily Reflections. Overall, a really good start to the day.

My head’s fucked though. I am apprehensive about being away from my routine so much and not having the anchor of a meeting. I’m nervous because at work, my peers and manager know me as someone who eats lots. I mean, someone who eats like a horse. You know, like those annoying skinny people that can pack away a starter and a big-man-meal and dessert and then will still ask for a taste of whatever you’re eating and will also eat half of YOUR dessert. One of those annoying ones who then say stuff like ‘oh, I guess I just have lucky genes’. Yeah, that’s the person my team thinks I am, except I never EVER say it’s my genes. Cuz that would be bullshit. I mean, the whole thing is utter crap anyway.

In the past, before they knew me, I did eat that much (and oh, so much more) and then I would go and puke it back up. I don’t do that anymore, which I am so very proud of and happy with. BUT, when I first met them, I put this persona on, this ‘I can eat whatever I want and that should elicit admiration from you’ persona and now it feels like I’ve manoeuvred myself into this corner and it’s hard to get out of it. I think there is this expectation now that I will dig into whatever food is put in front of me. That scares me, because part of me likes playing that persona, part of me wants to be able to dig in, that part of me very much like hearing ‘how can you eat that much?’ or ‘where does it all go?’. It’s a fraud though. How would they react, if I changed and stopped doing that?

If I change my behaviour, would that cause problems? I mean, would they judge me or think less of me? What am I scared off?

Being liked less, being less than, being deigned insufficient, not being enough – those are all things I am scared of.

I spy with my little eye

a friggin huge sty. WTF?

Not only am I due to fly to Warsaw tomorrow for a work summit, but also does that require a 4:30 am wake up, I have been cultivating a rather large puss filled eye spot, aka sty, which is now turning an alarming shade of red and is getting in the line of sight. Grrrrreat.

I've never been to Warsaw,
(shit... I forgot to check in... shoooooooot, I hope I still get a good seat.

Ahh, I got a good seat. FYI, the good seats to me, since I travel economy, are the ones closest to the front and depending on length and time of flight, either aisle or window, cuz then I can either go to pee as often as I want - and don't underestimate the bliss of being able to empty the bladder when you feel like it rather than waiting for your seat neighbor to wake up - or snuggle up lovingly to the window to try and twist your body in a semi sleep supporting posture).

Phew... anyway, yes, Warsaw, never been and I'm looking forward to it, but after a felt 9 month winter in the UK, the thought of snow makes me groan like a 16 year old boy being dropped at school by his mom and having to endure public displays of mom affection.

Anyway, the last few days: On Thursday, the British Boy obligingly brought red meat and we had a bun-less burger with potato and parsnip fries and a side salad. The beer after the stallion was a Coopers Brewery sparkling ale, which was more subtle in taste. I didn't care for it that much after having had the horsey beer. I think I'd have to start with this one to appreciate it more...

Friday, I ate more than was on my food plan again. This is a concerning pattern, once I reach a threshold, my 'fuck it' button get pushed and I eat lots more. This is generally in the evening and I justify it with ridiculous excuses, like 'I exercised today and am totally allowed chocolate, popcorn AND ice cream', 'Oh, my main didn't contain carbs' or (even better, as if that would be a sane argument) 'My dinner companion ate more than me'. Seriously?? And if my diner companion were to inject heroine, would that mean I'm allowed too? Bullshit.


I digress, the culinary highlight of yesterday, after pretty intense acupuncture and group, where, yes, I cried in front of about 30 people, were these scallops. Holy shit, they were delicious. Seriously addictive. I grated a Jerusalem artichoke to speed up the sautéing process and sprinkled some roasted hazelnuts into the mix. Totally worked, especially when I drizzled the browned butter on top. To make the best scallops to date, I followed her instructions to the T. I laugh out loud each time I read that post. 

 

 

Ok, I'll take my yucky eyelid and sorry ass out of the house to work on the never-ending garden project the British Boy started last summer with the promise it would take about 3 weeks... Erm, yes, that's so not happening... I also want to sow some of our veg seeds outside, hopefully there will be no more frost.

 

Here is to exciting weekends.

 

 



Blah... meh... pffft...

I am so not feeling it today. Everyone can fuck right off. It's also snowing again. Seriously, AGAIN!!!

And I want burger or steak or anything protein-rich. I am grumpy and... oh.

Oh.

Hormones.

Ok, I'm gonna enter the bitchy phase of this month with much grace and love and ... pffft, everyone can fuck right off.

I didn't do my food plan this morning, I ate more snacks then I wanted and nothing seems to hit the spot. And we don't have red wine in the house. I mean, it's 5:23 and I am theoretically still working, but who would deny a pre-menstrual woman on the verge of turning into a raging angry bull a glass of red wine during the last minutes of her work day, huh? HUH????

But actually, I think it would be too sloshy in my belly. Like when I eat soupy soup (not the thick, stick to the spoon, only slightly thinner than mash soup), and then drink fluids, I feel sloshy.

Hah, I just remembered that I did a booze run the other night, when I cooked the frittata for the British Boy, and I wasn't sure if he'd like white wine or beer with it, so I got shitloads of different ales (erm, ok, I got 4 different ales, not shitloads) and a bottle of white. I say fuck the slushiness, will just have to eat more carbs at dinner. I'm on the beer - Badger to be precise. TASTY.

I have to admit, it's ingenious marketing to both men and women. I mean, it's called Champion, so it will clearly appeal to the guys, for who wouldn't want to be associated with a champion and - it gets better - it has a horse on it. Seriously, which woman can resist a bottle with a horse on it?!? Tastes pretty awesome too.

Ok, that's it from me  - and yes, I am a commitment to balance. Still.

Food's on my mind

I can't seem to shake my thoughts revolving around food. It is working if I get very specific in my food plan and actually text in exactly what I plan on eating, but as soon as I try to get too generic, for instance writing '1 plate full of complex carbs, fats and protein' in combination with having a full fridge and seemingly endless possibilities, I start going off in my head to think about all the varying things I could put together.

In preparation for the week ahead, I cooked some lentils and barley, to have healthy options at hand especially since I will be working from home twice this week. Yet, instead of the calming effect I had hoped this would have, I am continuously creating and re-creating recipes in my head. I mean, the outcomes are pretty darn tasty, but it's actually distracting and means I am using it as an escape mechanism. I retreat into recipe creation mode...

Having written that, here are the creations:

For lunch yesterday: lentils, orange, beetroot, red onion and parsley in a lemon vinaigrette.

For dinner prior to my Monday meeting - sautéed vegetables with miso dressing on a bed of romaine, carrots and red cabbage.

Breakfast today, after a 4 mile run, was brown soda bread with half avocado and half seed butter as well as an apple around 10, because I was really hungry. Lunch was a yummy slaw concoction of cabbage, barley, lentils in the same dressing as yesterday's lunch.

Dinner was a frittata of roasted butternut squash, roasted potato, mushrooms and onions topped with Tunworth cheese. Oh my, that cheese is pongy and gooey and strong and cheesy and just truly outstanding. On the side a simple salad of romaine and shallots in a lemon vinaigrette and a quarter of a baguette. I also had a very tasty Liberty Ale, which I found in the local off license. I really like it - I guess given that I am on a barley trip as of recently, it makes complete sense.

Also, how amazing that I can feel ok to eat potato, bread and butternut squash on one plate, in one meal AND have beer. It's the small things that count. :)