oh shit...

Yeah, it's tough, coming to the realisation that I very impulsively chose to have my eyes lasered and only afterwards fully researching the topic and not being able to reverse it. Aside from being scared shitless, I am also quite critical with myself. Pop on top of that that I also overate a lot last night, and I find myself in a perfect shit-storm. (Apparently the word shit-storm is now part of the German vernacular that even the German chancellor uses it officially. So, I feel thoroughly entitled to use it too.)

Bruising from the surgery.

Anyway, as I am still lying in bed, with a cappuccino the British Boy made for me, I now have a choice. I could, as I have done in the past, get the record out, dust it off and put it on, spending the rest of the day with the constant soundtrack of 'Should have researched sooner, made a big mistake, that fucking flap will tear off as soon at some point and YOU WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN EVER, STUPID WOMAN. Oh, and you are getting bigger by the day, control yourfuckingself around food and lose some weight you slob!!!'. That's certainly one option at the moment... Not a very nice one or useful or kind or productive or healthy or compassionate or loving. Well, actually, it's not really an option at all. It's hell.

What I will do instead:
Acknowledge my fear - yep, I am scared shitless.
Reality check the fear - Whilst instances of complications have been recorded, the probability of any disaster happening to me is very slim.
Accept what I cannot change - the surgery is irreversible. That sounds scary even as I type it, and it's ok to be scared and it's also a reality I cannot change. So, I chose to move on.
Focus on what I can do and be grateful - I wake up and see without contacts. I can travel without contacts stuff. I can cuddle without crashing my glasses into my or Max' face. I can look outside my bedroom window on a rainy Saturday morning, listen to the raindrops fall on lush green leaves, feel a few of the persistent and particularly mischievous ones land on my bare shoulders as they bounce off the sill. I can see the reflection of the tree on my laptop screen and can make out individual leaves. I can make room for the fear and breathe and choose happiness. Because it is healthier for me.

The next post will be a collection of pictures of my meals. These are the good and healthy dishes I ate, for when I overate yesterday, I funnily enough did not stop to snap loving pictures to remind myself of the actual amounts of food I compulsively snacked on... I live and learn.