Beijing - a once a lifetime trip

Did I mention that Communism played a big part in my life? I grew up in East Germany, so was a Young Pioneer at school, queued up outside stores for canned pineapple, oranges and bananas, did not know what a kiwi was until I was 9 years old.

I am fascinated by Communism and especially countries, where it is still active. Today, I will fly to Beijing for a week and I am excited, a bit nervous and feel incredibly lucky. You see, the lucky bit is that I have to pay fuck all. My company is sending me for training, it's a 3 day course and because of the timing of the flights and by adding a couple more days to sightsee, I will only fly back next week Sunday. I want to do so much! The Great Wall, Summer Palace, the Forbidden City, Tiananmen Square, eat Peking Duck, maybe do Tai Chi in one of the parks in the morning.

There's a plan in my pocket to keep me from stuffing my face with food and going overboard and I even found  meeting in Beijing that I plan on going to. I'll call people, do step work, read literature, write out my fears etc. I feel ok about this.

The last few days have been sane too from a food perspective. I had the odd snack that wasn't in the plan, but I don't have to be perfect.

I'm still in bed as I write this, so will get my butt in gear, have breakfast, finish packing, run to a meeting and then head off.

Just two pictures of my meals the last few days:

Breakfast whilst working from home - fried egg and avocado on brown soda bread.

Lunch of crunchy veggie salad with meatballs and a horseradish & goats cheese drizzle.

Gotcha!

Yesterday was a fucking rollercoaster.
My check in for yesterday shows how screwed up my head is:

Yesterday, I was thankful for the sun shining, for a day going by quickly with interesting topics and conversations, for a group of fellows, for recognizing that I am easily distracted by other people and my idea of fixing them rather than dealing with my own stuff.

Today, I'm currently struggling with perceived weight gain. I'm fixating on it and have difficulties accepting. I really want to restrict and lose the extra bits. I have also not been working out since Saturday, which adds to me feeling tense and annoyed. I took a couple of tests as I thought I was pregnant, they were negative. I feel sad and angry. My stomach is in knots. I will do your exercise once I'm out of the tube.

My hearts desire is to stick to my food plan and be free of obsession.

I am a commitment to balance

Yeah, that didn't quite happen. I felt so obsessive all day long yesterday, focussing on my belly flab (which wasn't helped by wearing tight, freshly washed jeans) and sent emergency texts to my friends for moral support.

They were there for me, they caught me whilst I was freaking out, catasthrophising. It sounds so mushy, but they supported me. It was wonderful and I am so thankful for someone to be there to tell me 'I've gotcha'.

Today's check in:

Yesterday, I was so very grateful for the support and sane perspective that everyone provided, for I felt quite insane. I am thankful for not having purged or severely overeaten and I am grateful to have friends, a home, a job, how much my life improved since November and that I am able to acknowledge and see my harmful thought patterns.

Today, I still feel a knotted sensation in my stomach and it's a sense of feeling overwhelmed. I tense up as I think of work, though I cannot even pin point what it is, just a panicky feeling that resulted in considering to quit yesterday (I know this was extreme and no matter where I would go, I would likely create similar pressure for myself).

My hearts desire is to focus just on today, to stay present and to not go to the food. I will write out my triangle for my 1:1 with the boss tomorrow.

I am a commitment to balance and being present.

Sun and tears and blueberries

I just cried, and now my nose is snotty. And my eyes look puffy and there's smeared mascara on my face. I look like a hooker after a particularly hard-working night and no sleep. Grand!

When I envisioned this day, the first double digit warm Sunday this year, I saw myself surrounded by friends, in a floaty and fashionable ensemble sitting in one of the inviting pub gardens, soaking up the sun whilst sipping a refreshing beverage and smiling lovingly at my wonderful husband. Reality check: curled up in foetal position on our spare room sofa, tear stained cheeks and mucus filled nostrils, whilst unwilling to talk to the man cuz it just makes me sad at the moment.

Catastrophizing, that's what my shrink calls it. It's the tendency to make the Alps out of a molehill. Not just the Alps, but being alone on the highest mountain of the Alps during the shittiest weather conditions without any gear or protection, all the while an avalanche hurtles towards me.

One might say that this sort of thinking and attitude is not necessarily in line with balance. Like, not even a little. Or at all.

The origin of the, as my dear friend Christin calls it, 'wormy day' (like an apple that has a worm in it, might look good on the outside, but once you take a bite, you've got a mouthful of worm shit to deal with) was his comment that I should try using expedia to search for our weekend getaway accommodation. I pointed out that tripadvisor was fine, thankyouverymuch. Cue - aggressive tone of voice from the Brit. I conveniently forgot that I might have sounded snarky to begin with and went into a downward spiral of insecurity and neediness.

I caught and held and was compassionate with myself though. Let myself cry, had a good long hug with the man and spat on my finger to wipe away the mascara stains.

Writing this blog also helps for sure. Food so far this weekend:

The British Boy brought me a cappuccino in bed despite suffering from man flu. Unpictured breakfast was chorizo and bean soup after acupuncture, followed by a meeting and a walk home with an OA friend. Lunch before meeting with my sponsor was a bowl of kale, roasted sweet potato, onion, red bell peppers, mushrooms and tomato topped with goats cheese.

 

I walked home in the rain from her house, arrived completely drenched. Squelchy shoes all the way. For dinner, we got Indian take away. My staple is a small fish tikka and a small chicken tikka. I ate the fish one on a bed of salad with daal masala as dressing spooned on top. I also had one poppadom, a solero, a hot chocolate and a piece of sea salt chocolate.

 

Later in the eve, I had an apple too. I had been running 4 miles and walked about another 5 miles, so my body probably needed it.

 

This morning, with the sun beckoning and the warm breeze, I had a smoothie made of kale, frozen spinach, frozen banana and frozen raspberries. It also contained some raw oats and coconut milk. All blended up, topped with blueberries, buckwheat groats, coconut and cinnamon.

 

 

 

This is a great summer favourite of mine and I cannot wait for the warmer weather to stay.

 

Time to help the British Boy moving some top soil to make sure our garden will be ready in time to sow our veg out next weekend.

April showers

All morning it's been raining cats and dogs, interspersed with sunny spells and greyness and blue skies. It's all a-changing rapidly. Good metaphor for my mood too at the moment. From elation and feelings of success to utter insecurity and overwhelm-edness.

I fucked up royally yesterday. I flat out lied to a colleague and I felt shitty, oh so shitty afterwards. When I told the British Boy, he suggested owning up to the fact that I'd lied.

I mean, what a novel idea, to actually turn around to someone who's face I've lied to and say 'Hi, you know, all the stuff I told you a few hours ago? That was lies. And when I fed into it to cover my own ass, that was lies to. Yes, I callously lied to your face because I was scared shitless.'

Even just typing it makes my skin crawl. I called her last night, after hours, and she sounded surprised. And I explained, with a very red shameful face and many apologies. I didn't say it as I typed it above, I was too much of a coward to be that direct. But I told her that I what I had said was not the truth, that it was my opinion, not someone else's. She was surprised and I think also relieved, because my lie had really hurt her. She was gracious and wonderful and I felt oh so relieved afterwards.

I ate before I called her though. Lots more than intended. And I had not made the connection until afterwards.

Anyway, my eats have been erratic over the last few days. A work trip to Warsaw meant I was faced with buffets almost each day. I have such a hard time resisting a buffet. I mean, I have to have one trip to choose what I do or don't like and a second one to eat only the things I found I liked. And then another one for the sweet stuff. I had more than what I needed. Especially the last night, I pretty much ate for three.

I am glad to be back home now, I feel more secure and safe at home. I had coconut flour pancakes for breakfast and just enjoyed a big salad of beetroot, smoked trout, goats cheese with mint and horseradish. On the side a toasted pita bread cut into slices for easy consumption.

Tonight, we're invited to a friend's birthday dinner. My food plan stipulates a starter and a main and 2 drinks. Should be a good night out. Now, I have to delve back into work, which is pure stress at the moment.

My check in:

Yesterday, I was thankful for coming back home, for a loving husband, for having the guts to own up something that was very shameful (I lied to a colleague about feedback), for having fellowship and for sunshine, for cycling along nice roads that evoked good memories.

Today, I am feeling impatient, I want to be done… I am not looking forward to the journey, I very much am focussed on the outcome. For example, I am looking to be done with all my flags in my inbox, regardless of what they represent (could be a cool project or just an approval). I am looking to lose the weight I think I put on during Warsaw, I look to finishing my day, without stopping to enjoy the journey. I am anxious that the end result won’t be good enough, that my body won’t be as I want it to be, that the projects won’t be as I feel they should be (highest expectations, probably totally unrealistic) etc.

My hearts desire is to enjoy the journey and be present.

I am a commitment to balance and being present.

Leaving, on the jet plane...

Weeeeeeee, I’m flying… I feel so weightless and airy and light and wonderful…

No, really, I’m in an airplane flying towards Warsaw. The sun is shining and I am tired. My sty’s itching like a biatch and I cannot stop yawning. So far, after a 5 am start: I’m in the good seat, I did some work, I wrote my check in and I read the Daily Reflections. Overall, a really good start to the day.

My head’s fucked though. I am apprehensive about being away from my routine so much and not having the anchor of a meeting. I’m nervous because at work, my peers and manager know me as someone who eats lots. I mean, someone who eats like a horse. You know, like those annoying skinny people that can pack away a starter and a big-man-meal and dessert and then will still ask for a taste of whatever you’re eating and will also eat half of YOUR dessert. One of those annoying ones who then say stuff like ‘oh, I guess I just have lucky genes’. Yeah, that’s the person my team thinks I am, except I never EVER say it’s my genes. Cuz that would be bullshit. I mean, the whole thing is utter crap anyway.

In the past, before they knew me, I did eat that much (and oh, so much more) and then I would go and puke it back up. I don’t do that anymore, which I am so very proud of and happy with. BUT, when I first met them, I put this persona on, this ‘I can eat whatever I want and that should elicit admiration from you’ persona and now it feels like I’ve manoeuvred myself into this corner and it’s hard to get out of it. I think there is this expectation now that I will dig into whatever food is put in front of me. That scares me, because part of me likes playing that persona, part of me wants to be able to dig in, that part of me very much like hearing ‘how can you eat that much?’ or ‘where does it all go?’. It’s a fraud though. How would they react, if I changed and stopped doing that?

If I change my behaviour, would that cause problems? I mean, would they judge me or think less of me? What am I scared off?

Being liked less, being less than, being deigned insufficient, not being enough – those are all things I am scared of.

I spy with my little eye

a friggin huge sty. WTF?

Not only am I due to fly to Warsaw tomorrow for a work summit, but also does that require a 4:30 am wake up, I have been cultivating a rather large puss filled eye spot, aka sty, which is now turning an alarming shade of red and is getting in the line of sight. Grrrrreat.

I've never been to Warsaw,
(shit... I forgot to check in... shoooooooot, I hope I still get a good seat.

Ahh, I got a good seat. FYI, the good seats to me, since I travel economy, are the ones closest to the front and depending on length and time of flight, either aisle or window, cuz then I can either go to pee as often as I want - and don't underestimate the bliss of being able to empty the bladder when you feel like it rather than waiting for your seat neighbor to wake up - or snuggle up lovingly to the window to try and twist your body in a semi sleep supporting posture).

Phew... anyway, yes, Warsaw, never been and I'm looking forward to it, but after a felt 9 month winter in the UK, the thought of snow makes me groan like a 16 year old boy being dropped at school by his mom and having to endure public displays of mom affection.

Anyway, the last few days: On Thursday, the British Boy obligingly brought red meat and we had a bun-less burger with potato and parsnip fries and a side salad. The beer after the stallion was a Coopers Brewery sparkling ale, which was more subtle in taste. I didn't care for it that much after having had the horsey beer. I think I'd have to start with this one to appreciate it more...

Friday, I ate more than was on my food plan again. This is a concerning pattern, once I reach a threshold, my 'fuck it' button get pushed and I eat lots more. This is generally in the evening and I justify it with ridiculous excuses, like 'I exercised today and am totally allowed chocolate, popcorn AND ice cream', 'Oh, my main didn't contain carbs' or (even better, as if that would be a sane argument) 'My dinner companion ate more than me'. Seriously?? And if my diner companion were to inject heroine, would that mean I'm allowed too? Bullshit.


I digress, the culinary highlight of yesterday, after pretty intense acupuncture and group, where, yes, I cried in front of about 30 people, were these scallops. Holy shit, they were delicious. Seriously addictive. I grated a Jerusalem artichoke to speed up the sautéing process and sprinkled some roasted hazelnuts into the mix. Totally worked, especially when I drizzled the browned butter on top. To make the best scallops to date, I followed her instructions to the T. I laugh out loud each time I read that post. 

 

 

Ok, I'll take my yucky eyelid and sorry ass out of the house to work on the never-ending garden project the British Boy started last summer with the promise it would take about 3 weeks... Erm, yes, that's so not happening... I also want to sow some of our veg seeds outside, hopefully there will be no more frost.

 

Here is to exciting weekends.

 

 



Blah... meh... pffft...

I am so not feeling it today. Everyone can fuck right off. It's also snowing again. Seriously, AGAIN!!!

And I want burger or steak or anything protein-rich. I am grumpy and... oh.

Oh.

Hormones.

Ok, I'm gonna enter the bitchy phase of this month with much grace and love and ... pffft, everyone can fuck right off.

I didn't do my food plan this morning, I ate more snacks then I wanted and nothing seems to hit the spot. And we don't have red wine in the house. I mean, it's 5:23 and I am theoretically still working, but who would deny a pre-menstrual woman on the verge of turning into a raging angry bull a glass of red wine during the last minutes of her work day, huh? HUH????

But actually, I think it would be too sloshy in my belly. Like when I eat soupy soup (not the thick, stick to the spoon, only slightly thinner than mash soup), and then drink fluids, I feel sloshy.

Hah, I just remembered that I did a booze run the other night, when I cooked the frittata for the British Boy, and I wasn't sure if he'd like white wine or beer with it, so I got shitloads of different ales (erm, ok, I got 4 different ales, not shitloads) and a bottle of white. I say fuck the slushiness, will just have to eat more carbs at dinner. I'm on the beer - Badger to be precise. TASTY.

I have to admit, it's ingenious marketing to both men and women. I mean, it's called Champion, so it will clearly appeal to the guys, for who wouldn't want to be associated with a champion and - it gets better - it has a horse on it. Seriously, which woman can resist a bottle with a horse on it?!? Tastes pretty awesome too.

Ok, that's it from me  - and yes, I am a commitment to balance. Still.

Food's on my mind

I can't seem to shake my thoughts revolving around food. It is working if I get very specific in my food plan and actually text in exactly what I plan on eating, but as soon as I try to get too generic, for instance writing '1 plate full of complex carbs, fats and protein' in combination with having a full fridge and seemingly endless possibilities, I start going off in my head to think about all the varying things I could put together.

In preparation for the week ahead, I cooked some lentils and barley, to have healthy options at hand especially since I will be working from home twice this week. Yet, instead of the calming effect I had hoped this would have, I am continuously creating and re-creating recipes in my head. I mean, the outcomes are pretty darn tasty, but it's actually distracting and means I am using it as an escape mechanism. I retreat into recipe creation mode...

Having written that, here are the creations:

For lunch yesterday: lentils, orange, beetroot, red onion and parsley in a lemon vinaigrette.

For dinner prior to my Monday meeting - sautéed vegetables with miso dressing on a bed of romaine, carrots and red cabbage.

Breakfast today, after a 4 mile run, was brown soda bread with half avocado and half seed butter as well as an apple around 10, because I was really hungry. Lunch was a yummy slaw concoction of cabbage, barley, lentils in the same dressing as yesterday's lunch.

Dinner was a frittata of roasted butternut squash, roasted potato, mushrooms and onions topped with Tunworth cheese. Oh my, that cheese is pongy and gooey and strong and cheesy and just truly outstanding. On the side a simple salad of romaine and shallots in a lemon vinaigrette and a quarter of a baguette. I also had a very tasty Liberty Ale, which I found in the local off license. I really like it - I guess given that I am on a barley trip as of recently, it makes complete sense.

Also, how amazing that I can feel ok to eat potato, bread and butternut squash on one plate, in one meal AND have beer. It's the small things that count. :)

Nothing to write

I have not that much to share, which is a good thing, I guess. Easter is relaxing and quite uneventful. No major disasters.

I woke up yesterday, had a big bowl of porridge with apple, berries and a side of smoked salmon. I couldn't resist it. I don't normally buy it, so I felt I should take advantage of having it around at the in laws. In hindsight, I'd probably have to say that this is a perfect example of my fear of missing out. One of the main reasons why I eat compulsively throughout the day is fuelled by a sense of greed. What if the one thing I don't have is the best thing ever and I missed it?!? I know that's not likely the case at all, yet that is what my head tells me.

After a rejuvenating walk in the country side and a long chat with a lovely fellow 12stepper, I had a big bowl of unpictured leftover chick pea and lamb stew. My afternoon snack was an orange, some blue cheese and two crackers. Tied me over nicely until dinner, where I went greedy again and had some of the two things on offer (my mother in law is a pescetarian).

 

 My check in this morning:

 

I loved yesterday spending time with the British Boy and his family, I loved that I shouted my being a commitment to balance whilst walking in the country side, and I am grateful that I had a deep and meaningful conversation with a fellow.

 

Today, I feel guilty as I actually cheated the food plan as in that I had food from both protein options. I had both salmon and chicken curry, though in all honesty, one would have been sufficient. I know it's progress already that I only had one plate, albeit a large one, and that I had carbs, sine I would normally have no carbs at all.

 

I am looking forward to the day, it’s sunny and I have no plans aside to go for a spring time run and being honest with my food. I am a commitment to balance.

 

After my run, my brunch was this huge salmon salad with soy glazed vegetables, mango, blueberries and strawberries as well as a piece of toast with honey and marmite and butter and orange marmalade.

I divide the toast into four parts, each with its own topping, so I get a taste of all the things I fancy.

 

 

The rest of the day was spent watching movies on the couch whilst knitting and having both a light late lunch of a salad with leftover chicken curry and chick peas on top as well as an amazing Easter treat that is ridiculously easy to make and tastes decadent. Picture in the next post.

 

 

Oh, almost forgot, I told my brother in law and his girlfriend about my eating disorder. They reacted totally cool and I am mightily relieved because I now can be me, tell them when I don't want to eat something, why I am on the phone so much and also don't feel I have to lie when I am going to meetings etc. Feels wonderful.

 



A week of firsts

I had a week of firsts, starting last Sunday, when I had a baked white (!) potato for dinner. That's quite an accomplishment for me, who normally runs screaming the other way if there are 'unapproved' carbs on my plate. I am now having carbs with each meal and am moving into new territories. It was delicious. Can't believe I can eat a potato.

Another first was the thought that I did not HAVE to weigh myself. I had several days of realizing how scared I was of the impeding Easter holiday at the British Boy's parents. They have a scale and I have always weighed myself there. With my morning check ins, I realized what importance I ascribe to that event. And regardless of what the scale would say, I would either feel elated (If I weighed less) or sad and devastated and feeling like a failure if I weighed more. I asked my mother in law to put the scales away. It was difficult to do, but I am writing this blog whilst we're already at theirs and I have to say, not having a number hovering in the back of my mind is freeing.

I took Tuesday off from work and had a day to recharge my batteries. I did feck all.

Ok, I did less than I would normally try to cram into the day. Breakfast in bed was failed coconut flour pancakes, which I just tore up, topped with fruits and nuts and PB2 sauce.

 

 

It filled me up for a day of going to get my blood test redone, buying wool for knitting and lazing in bed watching a movie. It was a shitty movie, but the main fact is that I was relaxed.

 

On Thursday, I walked to work. I love walking early in the morning on a sunny day, when London is just waking up.

 

 



 

For dinner that night, I had a stir fry of veg and egg to clear out the fridge before the weekend away.

 

 

 

Where is the carbs? Well, I thought it would be a good idea to have my carbs as popcorn. There was that voice in my head questioning if that was in fact a rather stupid idea; that feeling in my stomach of unbalance, which I duly ignored. I ate lots more after that. I really struggled with my food plans (or lack thereof). I intentionally overate on both Wednesday night and Thursday night. On both nights, I was alone at home, had emotional discussions/events either impending or just behind me and I shoved my face with stuff I had not planned on. Emotional eating, anyone? Hell yes. It scared me how powerless I was and how much I ate. I didn't throw up, which is amazing.

 

I had to acknowledge my powerlessness and decided to start texting each meal to my sponsor. Yesterday, for the first time, I feel I totally stuck to my food plan. That's the first I am most proud of.

 

This was my breakfast after I had decided to hand over my food:

 

 

Boiled egg, brown soda bread with butter, orange marmalade and seed butter, cucumber.
 

 

My check in: Yesterday, I loved walking in the quiet, crisp clear morning, hearing the seagulls cry, seeing and feeling the sun and feeling alive and connected. I loved the taste of coffee, the feeling of serenity after acupuncture and of a new day starting.
I overate again last night after a particularly emotionally difficult conversational with a fellowship member. I felt attacked and defensive when she shared how my actions made her feel. I received and still mull over the feedback she shared with me, that I was not emphatic and self centred and tried to control her. As I write this, guilt and shame wash over me. I acknowledge that I had tried to control her and although my intentions were not malicious, they had an upsetting impact on her. I am glad we spoke about it and yesterday, I wrote my hearts desire was for us to stay open and honest friends. At the moment, I don't know how to engage with her, as I was previously trying to help and it was misunderstood. My hearts desire is to know and speak my truth.

For the food, I have asked my sponsor to help me. I am texting her everything I eat, when I eat it.

I am a commitment to balance. 



Mind workout...

 

 I did not work out today. It bothers me that I didn't. My messed up brain makes me believe that the mere fact of having a couple of rest days in a row means I will be on my way to be grotesquely fat, which also means that I will be an utter failure and that I am unloveable.

This is a broken record and I feel as if I even bore myself with it. I want to write it, despite feeling it's insignificant, because it is significant. My thoughts keep returning to this taunting mantra of 'you didn't work out, you don't even know how many calories you've eaten all last week, you're on your way to becoming fat and a failure and an out of control disgusting being.' The twat in my head is very mean.

The fact is, intellectually, I very much understand that this is my fear, my insecurity, my low self esteem talking. That eating the way I ate last week was fairly healthy. Yes, I had chocolate and sometimes a dessert and a few glasses of alcohol, but overall I had nourishing foods. What I am actually scared by is that I know I am cheating my food plan by making my portions humongous. Like two servings big. And no matter how much healthy stuff is in it, if I eat more than I need, I will store this extra stuff somewhere. So, whilst the catastrophizing thoughts are definitely unhealthy and destructive, the fact that I make my meals so big to try and fill the emptiness inside me is an active aspect of my eating disorder that I want to let go.

I am hiding my portion size behind the cloak of not wanting to under-eat. Balance. There it is again - the all-pervading concept I strive for. I find balance.

I am a commitment to balance.

I worked from home on Friday, had breakfast of oats, yoghurt, fruit and nuts. I love this goats yoghurt. 

After work, I met with a friend for dinner at a local pub. We ate, but more importantly, we talked. Honestly and openly. For dinner, I had a quarter chicken with honey roasted thyme carrots and a parsnip mash with wholegrain mustard. I finished it. 

Saturday, the check in revealed that my conversation with my friend had actually impacted me more than I first realized.

I am grateful for having run a successful meeting yesterday, for getting out into the cold and move, for having met and spent the evening with a friend.

I am feeling meh, unsatisfied as things don't turn out the way I envisioned them. I feel so exhausted, yet was unable to sleep longer, I have not calorie counted for a week and am disliking how my thighs touch each other, I have eaten lots last night (have not had a food plan for the week and feel like I should probably have one again).

I have taken Tuesday off, trying to get some breathing space, but I fear I have high expectations of a quick fix that likely won't address my exhaustion.

Also, my friend yesterday called me 'grown up' and 'inflexible', which is true, I am unyielding and tense, scared of flowing and letting go. I am scared.

My hearts desire is to acknowledge the fear and still let go. I am a commitment to balance and letting go

I went to a meeting, had acupuncture and relaxed at home. My eats:

Breakfast was an omelette with sautéed veggies and chipotle salsa. On the side a slice of home-made whole-wheat soda bread with some jam.

 

Lunch was a shop bought winter vegetable soup with frozen spinach thrown in and a bit of leftover French Onion Soup the British Boy had made. It transformed a mediocre soup into something much more tasty. It was exactly what my cold and shivering body craved after a walk in the slushy rain.

Yesterday's dinner was Thai take away, but I also ate an entire roasted head of cauliflower on top of an already filling dinner.

Today's check in:

Yesterday, I loved meeting the girls to go to a meeting together, getting acupuncture to detox and balance, having a hot soup after a bracing walk, sitting on the sofa lazily and watching movies and ordering in Thai food.

Today, I felt guilty about the amount of food I ate. I also feel sceptical towards the acupuncture, and i feel lost without the structure of planning my day. I am also starting to feel stressed about tomorrows work day. My hearts desire is to stay present and enjoy the day with the British Boy.

Thinking about yesterday more, in relation to food, I want go own up that I ate a lot more than I needed. I was looking for some reassurance by feeling full, very full. As if that was an anchor, something tangible I could rely on. I want to remind myself that now, in hindsight, that did not work. I feel as insecure as I did before I ate... I said in the meeting yesterday I would have a meal plan, yet I did not write it down. I will write one now.

I am a commitment to balance and mindfulness.
My food so far:

Coconut flour and oat pancakes with sautéed apples, seed butter and agave syrup. 

Lunch was leftover Thai Chicken Tom Yum soup with added veg and I had two pieces of chocolate as well as an eighth of double chocolate vegan cupcake.

I LOVE Thursdays!

I really do, mostly because they're only one day away from Friday, which is practically part of the weekend already. Aaah, weekend, the thought of sleeping in and resting and relaxing makes me physically go soft and calm. I long for the weekend.

It's been a hectic week so far. Feels like I've been fighting fires at work and had challenges that really hit my core (as much as I am open to inviting others to provide me with constructive feedback, I have such a hard time not taking it personally!).

Amazing fact number 1: I have not thought about calories obsessively all week. Don't get me wrong, I have not gone all out and started eating loaves upon loaves of white bread or cakes or pizza or pasta, which are things I am still intimidated by. I make healthy choices and think about whether my craving/hunger actually signals my body's needs for sustenance or for comfort. I try not to eat for comfort - it never fills the hole and emptiness.

So here are some of my meals this week:

Tuesday Night, dinner with a dear dear friend. Each time I see her, I walk away with my head full of ideas, she's that inspirational. I had an amazing burger with fried egg, raw beetroot, a soft-squishy bun and a side salad at the Ginger Pig Cafe in Hoxton whilst catching up, talking about life and dreams and holidays!

 Wednesday night was a delicious bowl of quinoa, vegetables, avocado and chipotle salsa.

 

 

 

And breakfast this AM was a hearty slice of my Irish Brown Soda bread that I pulled out of the freezer, topped with a quarter of a big avocado, chili flakes, lime and salt & pepper. This filled me up right until 1:30pm.

Here is my check in today (and I have gone for a walk today, did some meditation at lunch and am now trying to finish up on several things at work):

I am thankful for yesterday:

• Being able to run to work, despite now suffering from hip pain again.
• Enjoying a lovely dinner in the evening.
• Having good chats with people at work.
• Having a meaningful therapy session.
• Having enough money to pay for all the things in life I enjoy.
• Not throwing up.

Today, I feel anxious and overwhelmed. I have taken on too much – back to back meetings, with a plumber coming at some point, so I’ll potentially have to drop out of an important meeting to let her in. My shoulders are tight and my breath is shallow. I am not fully engaging with the program, with my inner spot of calmness. I feel rushed and under pressure.

I have 1 hour at lunch where I would like to meditate for 10 minutes. If I can’t at that time, I’d like to do that in the evening.

I am a commitment to balance.

Holy smokes, batman...

... what an exhaustive weekend. I am tired and sad and raw and hopeful and thankful and calm and and and.

It's best described in my check ins. First yesterday's:

I am thankful for having a sponsor, for having friends, for feeling loved, being loved and for being able and willing to be honest with myself.

I am tired. I just had a meeting with my sponsor, a wonderful woman, and she compassionately listened to everything I said, how my week in Seattle went, how last night went, how work is, how devastated I am about not sticking to my plan, how I struggle to let go, how I feel I need to do so many things this weekend, this week, this life... and then she said, "I hear that you're very tired." it never occurred to me that I might be tired, that my expectations of myself go beyond the food and body and work, that my high expectations of myself span actually everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. She suggested taking 5 more minutes in the morning or evening, identifying one area that pulls on me, one of my problems, and consciously putting that away and handing it over to the universe, letting it go. She also suggested taking a pebble and putting it in the corner of our garden, symbolically putting that one thing to the side and trusting that this thing will be taking care of by the universe.

She also suggested that I try and be kinder to myself, that I identify my high expectations and let them go. I don't know how. Maybe I don't think I need to know how, it'll happen.

I am a commitment to balance.
Then, today's:
Yesterday, I felt utterly drained, tired, sad, scared and angry and I am thankful for that. Thankful for feeling rather than suppressing feelings. I am so thankful for soft friends, for loving conversations, for a day free of obsession.

I had, after my meeting with my sponsor, a profound experience. I understood, saw with utter certainty, that to heal and get better, I had to let go of counting calories. I know, this might be a 'duh' fact for others, but for me to take action was as scary as first admitting my powerlessness over food. In fact, it was admitting exactly that, on a different level. A new, deeper level.

It scared me so much: the thought of not having that crutch filled me with existential fear. That sounds so dramatic, yet when I deleted my calorie counting and exercise tracking account, I felt so bereft and alone, I started crying - in broad daylight in the middle of the road. Not quietly, but properly. I had let go of that old trapeze, because I knew I couldn't hold on to it any longer and I was so scared of not making it to the next trapeze. I was, and to an extent still am, terrified of what would happen if I didn't make it across. Am I enough for myself? Is nature, the universe, anyone going to catch me if I fall? I called people, raw, full of fear, and they were there for me. I was there for me. It was very emotional. I kept on bursting into tears several times yesterday and kept on handing over my self will and control and I am learning to trust that things are balancing out, naturally, without me trying to control.

Today, I am still sad and scared and exhausted. My body feels heavy all over. I will be soft and kind to myself and not ask too much of me. I am a commitment to balance and letting go.



My eats were actually nourishing, delicious and just right what my body needed. For breakfast on Saturday, before meeting with my sponsor, I had a green monster smoothie made of kale, oats, left over sheep's milk yoghurt, banana and a bit of vanilla essence. I sunk a handful of blueberries in it, a spoonful of pepita sunflower seed butter and finished with a sprinkling of coconut and kasha. It's green in honour of St. Patrick's Day.

My lunch, after crying and sobbing and letting go, was a plate of veggies, a fried egg and two small toasts topped with Beecher's raw milk flagship, which I had brought back from Seattle. It is a great cheddar cheese.

Dinner was an unpictured meal of carrot and coriander soup followed by a roasted piece of salmon with new potatoes and broccoli. This was a first, eating the potatoes... I could not bring myself to eat all of them, but I ate a 'normal person's portion'. It's a step into the right direction.

The evening finished with watching Sleepless in Seattle, eating a minute portion of leftover gluten, dairy and sugar free avocado and chocolate tart and a solero.

For breakfast this morning, after meditating, I had a portion of French toast with apple, blueberries, roasted hazelnuts and a cinnamon peanut flour drizzle.

I ran to a meeting, visited a friend's house and came back to have unpictured chicken Sunday roast with the British Boy. I just finished dinner, a bed of kale topped with butternut squash (roasted in coconut oil), roasted red pepper, zucchini, mushrooms and topped with mini mackerel oat cakes.

I am full and I have no idea how many calories I consumed today. I found myself reaching for my phone, to put my calories into the app that is no longer installed, and reminded myself that I fed my body when it was hungry and that calorie counting is not the answer to anything and actually only perpetuates my disease.

To keep me honest, I struggled today with letting go over an exchange with a very close OA friend. I wrote her a text last night that upset her and she didn't reply, which is something that she had never done before. I felt guilty for having been confrontational with her and maybe not as soft and kind and understanding as I could have been, especially as she was there for me when I was so terrified yesterday. I projected how I would like to be treated onto her and when she didn't get back to me, I felt 'less than' and started obsessing about it. Intermingled with all that was real concern for her well being. She has since gotten in touch and explained why she hadn't been replying. The whole episode made me aware that I use others to validate myself. I feel quite sad for her and also for myself and I am intimidated and unsure how to interact with her going forward. British Boy just told me I am catastrophizing and overanalyzing. Pffft.

I'll go swimming tomorrow, hoping for no yucky bits...

That Friday Feeling...

... I have it and I cannot wait for the weekend to start. I am itching to go to a meeting, it's been my first full week back after my binge-y Seattle trip and I crave the support of the group. I haven't been to a meeting on Monday, as there was a work do and when I went to group therapy on Wednesday, I ended up listening to a lecture rather then letting off steam at group. I wanted to go to a meeting yesterday prior to going to the theatre with the British Boy, but found out, that group was cancelled due to electricity problems in the building.

Luckily I was able to have a call with a friend, who just made me feel so much better. It felt like my own private meeting, where I could complain and think out loud and get stuff out of my head, before my kopfkino started.

So, this morning, I checked in as such:

Yesterday, I was thankful for sticking to my food plan, for the sunshine, for a long walk and talk with a friend, for watching a lovely piece of theatre.

Today, I am feeling thankful for being able to run to the office despite the rain, for hot water. I am anxious about a couple of deadlines and meetings, and just acknowledge that there is fear  and that whatever gets done today and whatever is left undone, I am enough.

I am also anxious about dinner tonight, when we have friends come round. I will write my food plan to my sponsor now and will surrender to it.

I am a commitment to balance and surrender.

Breakfast was Overnight Oats topped with whole fat sheep's yoghurt, grapefruit, Sharon fruit, muesli mix, kasha & cinnamon.

Lunch was a big salad from the canteen with chicken, peas, sweet corn, mixed beans, whole wheat croutons, almonds, broccoli, beet root and caper berries. Drizzled with Peri-Peri sauce and balsamic vinegar.

Once my workday is over, I'll head up to a meeting and then home for the dinner that I both look forward to and also dread.

I ran to work this morning, 5 miles in a drizzly grey London, because I got so freaked out about dinner, so worried about all the calories that the food and alcohol represent, that I felt I had to offset the intake by doing some exercise. I know this might be normal for normal people, i.e. thinking 'I will work out today, which will balance out that I might splurge a bit tonight', but I have to be honest. I was feeling compulsive about it. Had I not run in, I would have been a miserable person and would not at all look forward to dinner. I am already nervous as it is, but without the run I'd have been in tatters. At least, that's what I think.

It's so darn difficult, I think I have an exercise addiction - I get really antsy if I don't work out and letting that go will be one of the things I will start working on.

One step at a time - today, all I need to do is stick to my plan and get to a meeting.

Back in the swing of things

I feel more grounded today. More like I'm back in the swing of things. I received the sweetest, kindest message from one of my fellows, thanking me for urging her to come back and for offering my help on Sunday. It made me feel so useful and thankful and just warm and gooey in the heart.

And then I catch sight of my belly and how it's slightly rounded and I don't know if it's in my head because of Seattle or if it's true, but I feel like it's bigger and I find myself being disgusted with myself. I even catch myself scrunching up my face in disgust. It's so hard to be aware that I'm doing that and also then to stop myself. I will continue trying.

So far, food has been good today. Slightly more snacking than intended, but nothing alarming.

Breakfast was whipped banana oatmeal topped with apple, kasha (roasted buckwheat) and pepita sun seed butter from Naturally Nutty, which I bought at the Great Harvest Bread Co in Seattle a few days ago. Ah-ma-zing... Organic, slightly sweet and crunchy, yet not totally sticky. I really like this sun seed butter. Wish I had bought the big tub...

After meetings and several hours of intense work, I had a huge bowl of kale, brown rice, roasted sweet potatoes with sautéed mushrooms, zucchini, onion and carrot sprinkled with nutritional yeast.

Very filling, yet I found myself having an apple, a square of dark chocolate, half a flax muffin and a small bag of oat bakes throughout the afternoon.

I'm currently feeling full, slightly lazy and very very tired. I wish I could go to bed, but I made a commitment to go to pilates this PM, so I should. I will.

And I want to stop eating just out of boredom. I'm not even hungry most of the times... just craving to fill the hole in me. Food only fills it temporarily though and not at all in a satisfying way.

Back at home

I am back. What a whirlwind week it's been, full of slips, challenges and triumphs. Full of learning a lot about myself and my self-will. Full of opportunities and temptations and full of great achievements.

Below are my check ins in chronological order - followed by my lunch and dinner yesterday.

Monday, March 4th:

Nothing can describe how thankful and grateful and happy I felt yesterday, starting with thanks for lovely bday messages, the love of my parents, the British Boy, my family and friends to the fact that the sun was shining in Seattle! I was thankful for being able to walk, for the people attending the meeting I went to, to the fact that I could simply walk into a shop and spend money without having financial worries. I loved and was blown away by my bday dinner and felt a real connection to everyone there. What a fantastic day.

Today, the sun is shining again, I want to put my plan into action and have already started doing so. I trust that if I follow it, I will maintain my abstinence. I feel good and nervous about meeting a lot of new people, and also excited.
I ate more than I wanted, and most importantly, needed, last night. The past is in the past and I'll focus on today.

I am a commitment to balance and love for myself.

Tuesday, March 5th:

Yesterday, I was thankful for sleeping for 6 hours, for being given an opportunity to take on more responsibility by presenting a piece of strategy, which went really well; thankful for an entire room of people I don’t know singing happy birthday to me; for sunshine; for not throwing up despite having had a mini binge. I ended up feeling really greedy at lunch, ate twice the amount that most other women did, had a lot of the snacks whilst drinking and wanted to do the right thing and not continue drinking, so went to my room and ended up eating a lot of crap. Stuffing my face senselessly. It was quite shocking as I had done the outreach to the people in the programme and done my morning reading and texted my group. I didn’t follow my eating plan though and that was what brought me to down.

Today, I am feeling guilty for yesterday and like I want to make up for it by restricting severely. This isn’t good and I acknowledge that I simply had an experience that I can learn from. I went for a short run this AM and am now feeling less compulsive about the food. I am a commitment to balance and my hearts desire is to stick to the food plan.

Wednesday, March 6th:

Yesterday, I am thankful for not having purged, for having been able to run, for laughing, for being able to give feedback to others.

Today, I am feeling tense, nervous, scared, guilty and also hopeful. I smoked a cigarette last night, ate a lot last night, felt uncomfortably full of food I would normally not eat. I wrote my food plan, committed it and feel positive. Yoga this AM helped me focus on surrendering.

I am a commitment to balance and softness for myself.

Thursday, March 7th
Yesterday, I was thankful for feeling free of compulsion up until dinner, for having a productive day at the conference, for not breaking my abstinence.

Today, I feel horribly guilty and very punitive towards myself. I stuck to the plan, and then dinner ended up surprising me, buffet style food again , arriving at a delay, I ate so much, my team noted on it, saying how I could stay that slim eating THAT much. They also got me a birthday cake, which I ended up eating all off and more of other peoples. I've not felt that full since my purging time. I didn't purge, but am now awake and still feel full. I will focus on my food plan for today, I cannot change what happened yesterday, only focus on today.
I'm a commitment to balance.

Friday, March 8th:
Here's the view from the Seattle Space Needle. It was a great last night in the city.
Yesterday, I was thankful for not being too harsh on myself, for not punishing myself, for having a lovely evening on the space needle with a palm reader and for the support of friends and fellows.

Today, I was shameful for yet another night of overeating, but am so very hopeful, thankful and happy to go back home. I have learned so much about myself and my processes and will definitely change how I approach business travel going forward.

I am a commitment to balance.

Saturday, March 9th:
I am thankful for having had a chance to see my ex-colleagues, finish the summit with a positive feeling, fir having had a safe trip, get a little sleep and for being back at home. I am also thankful for having not thrown up, for being aware that I still eat compulsively and emotionally.

Today, I feel full from the scone I just ate on top of my airplane breakfast, and ashamed about how much I am still in the clutches of my eating disorder. I felt I should be able to control my eating more. Yet control is exactly what I should surrender. What I am still having difficulties with. I am also already plodding how to lose the weight I put on, which is probably not the kindest or most compassionate approach. I am a commitment to balance and softness.

Sunday, March 10th:

Yesterday, I was thankful for my health, for being back home, for getting a good seat in the plane, for finishing unpacking.

Today, I am worried that despite being back home yesterday, I still overate. I know this was due to me being tired, lonely and scared, and also because of an unwillingness to reach out to people. I am scared about weight gain, I have overeaten about 6000 cals in total, which equates about 2lbs. Since I don't have scales, I imagine my body to be this grotesque wobbly thing, which intellectually, I know it’s not, but I cannot stop feeling disgusted by me and angry with myself. I will go to a meeting this morning.

I am a commitment to balance and willingness.

Lunch was a Buddha bowl - brown rice, roasted broccoli, red peppers, red onions, sweet potato, sautéed kale, fresh carrots, alfalfa sprouts and avocado all drizzled with a tahini-miso sauce. So filling and belly-warming.

 

Dinner was a slow cooked Chipotle Chili con Carne with more avocado, cilantro and tortilla wedges. Again, something very delicious and satisfying.

 

Monday, March 11th:

Yesterday was my first day back, I don't just mean physically, but mentally and spiritually too. I felt much more connected to my program, to my fellows, my support net and to myself. I am thankful for the coincidence of running down a particular street at just that time, when someone walked towards me who I knew. I am utterly touched and in awe of her opening up to me, allowing me to offer and accepting my help. I am also very happy about not obsessing about food, about short notice visits and about my openness to see my conversation with the British Boy as an opportunity to be challenged rather than an attack (although that insight only came this morning :)).

Today, I feel self conscious about my face and the huge red spot on my chin that feels like a second head. I am also quite stressed about all the things I want to do/ feel I NEED to do. Simultaneously, I am very much looking forward to tonight, meeting friends.

Scanning my body, I feel tense, like a fiddle, ready to have my strings snap with the smallest tension applied. I think I was like that all week and even though I worked out, it was not the balance I needed. I am not sure what I need, but my hearts desire is to relax, soften and find serenity. I think that comes with acceptance.

I am a commitment to balance and acceptance.