Lisbon and a rough patch

It's been a while, that's because I hit a rough patch. 'Curling up on a bed in a hotel room and crying so hard snot came out of my nose' rough patch. It was definitely not pretty and I felt properly shitty.

What had happened? I went to Lisbon:

Lisbon Train Station by night

Ate lots of food:

Ham starter

Stepped on a scale at the gym in the hotel and had a smack in the face that actually, overeating on a regular basis will have effects on the waistline. That was a rude awakening and my little brain went into overdrive and I just fell into this hole of 'Oh fuck, I'm fat, I'm a loser at this recovery malarkey, I need to lose weight otherwise I'm worthless...'

My check in after the 'Scale-gate':

I ate way more than I needed, I used circumstances as an excuse and ended up back at the hotel room, actually full and sated with fatty and fried foods and then opened a bag of nuts to snack on. I made the mistake of stepping on scales here at the hotel this morning and appeared to have gained 4kilos since my last scale incident a few months ago. I am really upset about it as I previously kinda kidded myself that the weight gain might only be in my head. Seeing it in numbers means I cannot hide from the truth.

Max just called and he said, do you remember when you told me last week that you looked at yourself and you found it looked good? And I do remember it and it feels a lifetime away and like at the moment, I am drowning in a deep feeling of failure.

I know this is an overreaction fuelled by my guilt for last night, my underlying fear of not being loveable if I fail and this thinking of unrealistic perfection. It hurts and it's ok to feel uncomfortable when faced with truths I would rather ignore. It's vital that I focus on the solution, am kind to myself and compassionate and that my friends and family are singing my song. And damn, it's hard right now not to panic and make stupid decisions.

I am a commitment to balance and acceptance.

Several cries, call with my sponsor, loving meditation and not puking (yay), I found myself and found a renewed sense of not going overboard.

Then I kinda tried finding the balance of still enjoying a good meal whilst also being honest about what my body actually needs as fuel. That's the tough bit to find. My last meal in Lisbon ended with this very yummy dish:

Goats cheese flan with coconut sabayon @ Darwin's Café in Lisbon

This was more of an indulgence than a need. So after I got back from my trip, went to a couple of meetings and feel more settled in my recovery, I am back at eating more in sync with my needs. I am not overindulging, not restricting and my body will end up where it's meant to end up.

Check in on Sunday:

Yesterday was a day of rest, and I liked and needed it. I am thankful for having found my footing, my connection again and had an abstinent day. I am thankful for the smell of elderflowers, the taste of home grown kale and spinach and rocket. I am thankful for a job I like and for everything.

Today, I ran to a meeting, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I spoke to a fellow, ran into a friend and am now on my way to eat Sunday roast at friends'. I will stick to whatever is being put in front of me and hope to be able to continue working on step four. I'm working on my fears and the last week in Portugal definitely showed me the power these fears have over my mental and spiritual well-being. Lots to write about. At the moment, I'm really hungry and have committed my food plan to Max, which is not to have seconds. I won't miss out and I am a commitment to balance.

I also bought bigger jeans to stop myself from constantly obsessing about how tight my jeans feel. :)

Breakfast out of a peanut butter container