Noisy head - I snack

For today, I will just post a few of my check ins over the past few days. It's been noisy in my head...

Friday morning:

Yesterday, I was thankful for having had a good conversation and run with a friend (it's the way forward, non-food related activities), having a sun filled garden to sit in, having a loving husband and a long overdue talk with my sponsor.

Today, my head was a bit noisy when I woke up. I felt less than when I put my jeans on and they were snug. I now notice these thoughts and let them pass by. They can be persistent at times, the little buggers. I'm nervous about the wedding, seeing that woman I have a hard time being around, and I'm nervous about the fact that I can't control the food.

I am a commitment to balance and acceptance of life on life's terms.

Saturday morning:

I was thankful for a having a lovely time at the wedding, for having meaningful conversations, for sunshine, for being able to be happy for friends, for a nice meal.

Today, my head is noisy again, as I feel hung over and try to not think of how many calories I consumed and how tight my jeans are. I want to buy new, bigger jeans. My hearts desire is to eat like a normal person and enjoy the weekend.

I am a commitment to balance.

Sunday morning:

Yesterday, I was thankful for being able bodied, that I can walk and see and hear.

The rest of the day was a blur of eating I was resentful towards the British Boy which meant I did not want to stay at the after party of the wedding, even though I wanted to. I felt myself being pulled back into thin aspirations as I compared myself to the bride and had to acknowledge that I gained weight. My jeans felt extra tight and I felt flabby and I went to eat from about 2 nonstop til 10, snacking, grazing, having dinner, dessert and more. Oh, the paradox of it all. Today, I am meeting my sponsor and will talk to her about it. I feel scared and guilty and like a looser. I am disappointed with myself and want to be compassionate and kind.

I am a commitment to balance and compassion.

Tuesday morning:

Yesterday, I was thankful for having a colleague working from London, I was thankful for having friends to talk to, that Max landed safely in Canada.

I felt ok last night, talked to a fellow and then afterwards ended up snacking more, which leaves me feeling guilty and ashamed and angry at myself. Having read an essay on how meditation can help to stop obsessive responses to situations - I very much identify with the unease and the urge to scratch the itch. I would like to try meditation to be able to better observe it and then acknowledge it, refrain from acting on it and just being with it. There are so many things I hook onto: comparing, control, food... Ego clinging of how I want things, myself and others to be. My hearts desire today is to not feed the angry wolf and not judge or label things as good or bad and to remain open to observe.

I am a commitment to balance.