Soft is sexy

That's what I agreed with a dear friend is going to be my new mantra. The reason why that HAS to be my new mantra is the fact that I am softer now. I mean both in my body and in my mind, i.e. how I talk to myself. I find it hard to deal with the physical changes and so I want to affirm myself that soft is indeed sexy.

I've had a few turbulent days, best shared via my daily check ins:

I overate yesterday when I was alone at home in the evening. I snacked consistently after my dinner and today I am feeling shame and anger around that. I had a quick moment before I started, where I was thinking if I should really start, but disregarded it and ploughed on ahead. It was similar to when I was still binge/purging. I couldn’t stop and justified in my head why it was ok to continue eating. Today, I don’t agree with these arguments anymore and I can clearly see that there was a compulsiveness.

 

I have started texting in my food again, for today, which gives me a structure that has previously worked.

This whole thing is multi-layered. I snack, telling myself that I need it as I work out and justifying it by snacking on relatively healthy things (popcorn, carrots, fruit) and I eat until I am really really full, at which point remorse is already kicking in (sometimes even before I finish eating). If I am very very full, I sometimes wonder if I should throw it back up. I don’t, which I am very thankful for. So I go to the gym to counter the ‘snack-attack’, which in turn fuels my belief that I am entitled to a snack as I have worked out… Then on top of that, there is also the wish to fit into my clothes more comfortably. Whenever I wear trousers that are tight, which the majority of my jeans now are, I am constantly reminded of my weight gain. It’s nothing massive, I can still fit in most of them, albeit with a muffin top. It is noticeable to me though, also because I have a unhealthy obsession with my body and body image distortion. I check myself in the mirror, compare myself to older pictures of myself (fully well knowing that I was a lot sicker then, yet still wanting to be that thin, just in a healthy way). I wish I could get away from wanting to look a certain way. I truly believe that this is the ultimate goal for me in my recovery – to be a healthy weight, which I am at the moment, and be ok with that. To accept fluctuations, to eat out of hunger and enjoyment, rather than to address boredom, rather than to fill a hole or emptiness.

And because I feel trapped in this cycle, it’s hard. I totally white-knuckle it when I do just stay within the suggested three meals a day, feeling confined and my angry inner teenager goes ‘fuck you all, I can eat whatever I want and whenever I want and FUCK YOU!!!!’. I feel good once I stuck to the plan for a day or two and then go right of ‘rewarding’ myself for it by having a snack – I mean, seriously, how delusional and sick is that? And then I get so fed up because this feels so hard, dealing with feelings and not numbing or distracting myself with food/food-related activities is difficult and at times unpleasant. In moments, when I feel overwhelmed with the pressure of working on recovery, the disease is very appealing. It’s like a siren, calling to me to just give back in and slip back into utter insanity.

Argh, writing this all out already helps, I feel clearer and can see the sick patterns. And I know, this is so much better than it was before. I am no longer feeling hustled to cram in binges during every available slot, I don’t lie to my loved ones, I don’t put my body through hell, I am seeing myself clearly and am observing myself honestly for the first time in a long time and whilst I do want to beat myself up for not doing the food abstinence right, part of me just wants to give me a hug and be happy for me and the progress I’ve made.

I am a commitment to balance.

 

I had worked from home on Friday, when I wrote that, and had a relatively good food day, starting with a healthy smoothie and then had gazpacho for lunch.

Kale smoothie with strawberries, oats, cinnamon and buckwheat groats.

Green gazpacho

The gazpacho was delish and the picture here is from the next day, where I had the last bit for lunch, jazzed up with leftover lentils, tomatoes, buffalo mozzarella and hazelnut pesto.

Our friends came round for dinner and I had prepared the gazpacho as an amuse bouche, starter of grilled peach and mozzarella salad alongside some bread and foie gras and as main we had cod wrapped in parma ham with roasted tomatoes and lentils.


The cod was delicious.

Today, Sunday, this is what I wrote:

Yesterday, I was thankful for experiencing compassion, acceptance and a sense of calm after my step 5. I enjoyed a Pilates class, watching a movie snuggled up with Max and loved lying in the sun watching clouds go by. I enjoyed resting in the sofa in a quiet house, aware of my breathing. I am thankful for these moments.

After step 5, I've had a few thoughts reaffirmed. I've had some harder days and then some much better days, I think that's what life is about, riding the waves of our fears and using my tools and program to deal with things that I've previously been unable to deal with healthily. I make mistakes and I learn. I learned that acceptance of who I am, where I am in life, in relationships and what I look like isn't scary, that it's more achievable if I only focus on today and I can make healthy choices to stay healthy today.

Today, I am going to a meeting in Soho, we're having friends come over for lunch and I would like to mow the lawn. My hip and knee still hurt, so whilst I would love to run to the meeting, I believe a gentler walk or cycle might be healthier. I am a commitment to balance today.