Thoughts and things

Sometimes, I run away. From the problems, the difficult shit, the uncomfortable feelings and situations. I kinda ran away last night...

I felt really uncomfortable last night at the meeting, I basically shared that I can't seem to stick to three meals, even when I commit to it. It felt like admitting a huge failure in regards to the program. There I had been tooting my horn about 9 months abstinence, when in fact I was unable to stick to my food plan. The snacking doesn't feel right and a lot of other OAers refer to their abstinence as sticking to three meals only.

As I write this now, I actually think that I did remain abstinent, since I didn't puke. I think I am being overly critical of myself. The snacking is something I want to stop, yet whether I give it a label of 'relapse' (which I have shame around) or whether I call it 'not sticking to the food plan', that does not change the action. It's the same action and when I do it in excess, I feel obsessive about it and in the past this kind of snacking has led me to binges. So, I would like to stop having unplanned snacks.

So, does having a glass of tomato juice after lunch count as snack? I was full and still had it. Is that a form of overeating?

I am working from home today and this is what I ate so far - aside from the aforementioned tomato juice. I cycled to my acupuncture appointment and back, in total 7 miles, and despite it being August and the sun shining, I was cold and a bowl of oatmeal appealed to my rumbling stomach.

For breakfast, I tried my last pouch of nut butter that I had brought back from my trip to Seattle. I was quite sceptical to try it - Artisana's Raw Blue Algae Nut butter. I mean, c'mon, cashew butter with algae? Seriously?!?

I eat my words - and the entire bowl of oats. It was yummy!

Oatmeal, strawberries, apricot, green nut butter and kasha.

At lunch, I ran/walked to the gym. Normally, I would jog, but my hip pain and renewed sense of self care means I am taking it slow. The 45 minutes in the Pilates class flew by and I walked back home to have this beauty:


Sautéed veggies with egg, chorizo and broad beans - kale from our garden.

So, now it is afternoon and I have a few more things to work on and have also a Skype date with a good friend of mine. I prepped the lamb koftas for tonight, will maybe make a tzatziki and some hummus to go with a pita and some salad.

Before I publish this post, I want to share a question my dearest spiritual mentor and friend Tania asked me, in reply to my check in this morning: Why am I actually on this journey?

I want to be healthy, I want to be happy and find smiles and chuckles in every day small things and big things. I want to be loved and accepted. I want to do good. I want to be enough. I want to accept that my life is enough for me, that I don't have to be a certain way, a certain shape, of a certain status, possess certain things. I want live with my whole heart, with my whole being, not distracted by thoughts of worthlessness or constant worries about food, weight gain and what that means for my self-esteem. I want to look at my family, my friends, my work and see a balance. I want to dream and love and have a family that is healthy and caring and compassionate