April showers

All morning it's been raining cats and dogs, interspersed with sunny spells and greyness and blue skies. It's all a-changing rapidly. Good metaphor for my mood too at the moment. From elation and feelings of success to utter insecurity and overwhelm-edness.

I fucked up royally yesterday. I flat out lied to a colleague and I felt shitty, oh so shitty afterwards. When I told the British Boy, he suggested owning up to the fact that I'd lied.

I mean, what a novel idea, to actually turn around to someone who's face I've lied to and say 'Hi, you know, all the stuff I told you a few hours ago? That was lies. And when I fed into it to cover my own ass, that was lies to. Yes, I callously lied to your face because I was scared shitless.'

Even just typing it makes my skin crawl. I called her last night, after hours, and she sounded surprised. And I explained, with a very red shameful face and many apologies. I didn't say it as I typed it above, I was too much of a coward to be that direct. But I told her that I what I had said was not the truth, that it was my opinion, not someone else's. She was surprised and I think also relieved, because my lie had really hurt her. She was gracious and wonderful and I felt oh so relieved afterwards.

I ate before I called her though. Lots more than intended. And I had not made the connection until afterwards.

Anyway, my eats have been erratic over the last few days. A work trip to Warsaw meant I was faced with buffets almost each day. I have such a hard time resisting a buffet. I mean, I have to have one trip to choose what I do or don't like and a second one to eat only the things I found I liked. And then another one for the sweet stuff. I had more than what I needed. Especially the last night, I pretty much ate for three.

I am glad to be back home now, I feel more secure and safe at home. I had coconut flour pancakes for breakfast and just enjoyed a big salad of beetroot, smoked trout, goats cheese with mint and horseradish. On the side a toasted pita bread cut into slices for easy consumption.

Tonight, we're invited to a friend's birthday dinner. My food plan stipulates a starter and a main and 2 drinks. Should be a good night out. Now, I have to delve back into work, which is pure stress at the moment.

My check in:

Yesterday, I was thankful for coming back home, for a loving husband, for having the guts to own up something that was very shameful (I lied to a colleague about feedback), for having fellowship and for sunshine, for cycling along nice roads that evoked good memories.

Today, I am feeling impatient, I want to be done… I am not looking forward to the journey, I very much am focussed on the outcome. For example, I am looking to be done with all my flags in my inbox, regardless of what they represent (could be a cool project or just an approval). I am looking to lose the weight I think I put on during Warsaw, I look to finishing my day, without stopping to enjoy the journey. I am anxious that the end result won’t be good enough, that my body won’t be as I want it to be, that the projects won’t be as I feel they should be (highest expectations, probably totally unrealistic) etc.

My hearts desire is to enjoy the journey and be present.

I am a commitment to balance and being present.