My check in for yesterday shows how screwed up my head is:
Yesterday, I was thankful for the sun shining, for a day going by quickly with interesting topics and conversations, for a group of fellows, for recognizing that I am easily distracted by other people and my idea of fixing them rather than dealing with my own stuff.
Today, I'm currently struggling with perceived weight gain. I'm fixating on it and have difficulties accepting. I really want to restrict and lose the extra bits. I have also not been working out since Saturday, which adds to me feeling tense and annoyed. I took a couple of tests as I thought I was pregnant, they were negative. I feel sad and angry. My stomach is in knots. I will do your exercise once I'm out of the tube.
My hearts desire is to stick to my food plan and be free of obsession.
I am a commitment to balance
Yeah, that didn't quite happen. I felt so obsessive all day long yesterday, focussing on my belly flab (which wasn't helped by wearing tight, freshly washed jeans) and sent emergency texts to my friends for moral support.
They were there for me, they caught me whilst I was freaking out, catasthrophising. It sounds so mushy, but they supported me. It was wonderful and I am so thankful for someone to be there to tell me 'I've gotcha'.
Today's check in:
Yesterday, I was so very grateful
for the support and sane perspective that everyone provided, for I felt quite
insane. I am thankful for not having purged or severely overeaten and I am
grateful to have friends, a home, a job, how much my life improved since
November and that I am able to acknowledge and see my harmful thought patterns.
Today, I still feel a knotted sensation in my stomach and it's a sense of feeling overwhelmed. I tense up as I think of work, though I cannot even pin point what it is, just a panicky feeling that resulted in considering to quit yesterday (I know this was extreme and no matter where I would go, I would likely create similar pressure for myself).
My hearts desire is to focus just on today, to stay present and to not go to the food. I will write out my triangle for my 1:1 with the boss tomorrow.
I am a commitment to balance and being present.
Today, I still feel a knotted sensation in my stomach and it's a sense of feeling overwhelmed. I tense up as I think of work, though I cannot even pin point what it is, just a panicky feeling that resulted in considering to quit yesterday (I know this was extreme and no matter where I would go, I would likely create similar pressure for myself).
My hearts desire is to focus just on today, to stay present and to not go to the food. I will write out my triangle for my 1:1 with the boss tomorrow.
I am a commitment to balance and being present.
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