Writing is a tool that helps in my recovery, so I am writing these morning check ins, where I record what I am thankful for and also what I am feeling and thinking about for the day ahead.
So, yesterday, I wrote this:
Yesterday, I was thankful for having recovered to such an extent that I can work from home without having to purge; that my body is able to swim and move; that our neighbour is a caring person; that whenever I go to meetings I seem to feel better afterwards; that I made progress on a project at work; that I have Friday off from work and that the British Boy has planned a surprise.
Today, it's grey outside and I feel numb. My hip pain is getting worse again and I am annoyed that the physio still hasn't written the referral letter. I'm actually scared that the condition I have might result on me not being able to ever run again. Running is something I really enjoy and that is part if how I define myself. Having written that down now, I am reminded of that transformation piece and I know that maybe the running trapeze isn't my place anymore. My fear stems from my inability to control an outcome, and my general uneasiness with the unknown.
My hearts desire is to let go trying to control the outcome. I would like to do what is kind rather than what I believe I have to do to not get fat.
I am a commitment to balance and patience and kindness.
When I got home last night, I made myself a big steaming bowl of beef and vegetable soup. It was delicious. Haha, the picture, however, turned out like from an 80's cookbook. Class.
Soup or no soup, I didn't sleep very well or long and woke up still feeling blah.
Today's check in:
Yesterday, I was thankful for being able to articulate and being aware of my dissatisfaction, my frustration and my fear. I am continually grateful for my OA fellows, who all provide a different perspective, share their own fears and recovery tools. I really loved being able to immerse myself in work, using it as a distraction, although I want to deal with these emotions rather than suppress them. I also loved connecting with a friend.
Today, I woke up, feeling blah again. Hah, maybe it's the not dealing with stuff that makes it stay.
I am feeling sorry for myself, that my hip is still hurting, the pain radiating to my lower back as a constant dull ache. I can feel my tense shoulders and stiff neck and I can feel myself hunch up. The feeling I ascribe to it is anger and fear. Anger at myself, the world, the pain, at my refusal to accept that things are as they are. Fear that I might not get better, might not ever fall pregnant, that I might gain weight, that I might fail. I think I'm holding on to this all because it's the known rather than the scary unknown. Either way, struggling so hard is not congruent with being kind to myself.
My hearts desire is to accept and stop fighting so hard. I am a commitment to acceptance and balance.
I got off two tube stops earlier and walked to work, so I could move and have a call with a fellow, passing Buckingham Palace, which also looked drab and grey.
I had breakfast, which cheered me up - ooh, hang on, food makes me feel better? No shit... But it was a great concoction of overnight oats, goats yoghurt, grapefruit, apple, nuts and seeds and a dash of cinnamon and coconut.
After breakfast, one of my dearest and closest life-coach-mentor-friends wrote back the below in response to my check in:
Another way to think about this is its a process....you HAVE
to BE IN this space/part to get to the next step. Perhaps it's just time to
acknowledge it and that it is uncomfortable vs desiring it to not be. Embrace
that it is and that at some point you will move on...and that point will be
simply at the right time and not sooner. There are things for you to learn and
experience now that help you for the future :)
I don't feel so horrendous anymore - talking and writing about things definitely helps and I'm looking forward to seeing my therapist tonight. The British Boy is coming along, which makes me happy and scared at the same time.
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