I had started writing this post earlier today, whilst at work, half-heartedly listening to a meeting, half-heartedly trying to pour my heart out, about how angry I was at myself and how frustrating my progress or lack thereof is to me. I'm glad I didn't save or publish it.
Well, in the evening, I went to a 12 step programme meeting, read a few meaningful pages in a smart book and spoke to some pretty intelligent and understanding people. I arrived at the conclusion that it just won't do. Half-heartedness. It just doesn't cut it. Neither does impatience and berating myself. More about that later.
First, I need to get this half-heartedness business into my head. Whenever I try to spin too many plates, work on too many things at the same time, try to please people whilst desperately trying to be as perfect as I feel I ought to be, that's when shit happens; that's when drivel comes out of my mouth; when my inner twat gets louder and when I start being mean to myself and quite frankly do a crappy job. Not focussing fully on the task at hand means I don't give it my all and that oftentimes results in sloppiness or unclear thoughts.
That goes hand in hand with my impatience and with the feeling of 'woe is me' and how much I manoeuvre myself into a position of the victim, where I ask myself why I'm not further along in my recovery, why I am still feeling obsession and compulsion around food. And all of this is happening to me, as I am clearly already doing sooo much to get better.
However, that's not strictly true. I realized that during talking to my great support network. It made me notice that I do things half-heartedly. The key, I think, lies in doing things fully. Committing fully to recovery, to balance, to living, to patience, to kindness.
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