Mind workout...

 

 I did not work out today. It bothers me that I didn't. My messed up brain makes me believe that the mere fact of having a couple of rest days in a row means I will be on my way to be grotesquely fat, which also means that I will be an utter failure and that I am unloveable.

This is a broken record and I feel as if I even bore myself with it. I want to write it, despite feeling it's insignificant, because it is significant. My thoughts keep returning to this taunting mantra of 'you didn't work out, you don't even know how many calories you've eaten all last week, you're on your way to becoming fat and a failure and an out of control disgusting being.' The twat in my head is very mean.

The fact is, intellectually, I very much understand that this is my fear, my insecurity, my low self esteem talking. That eating the way I ate last week was fairly healthy. Yes, I had chocolate and sometimes a dessert and a few glasses of alcohol, but overall I had nourishing foods. What I am actually scared by is that I know I am cheating my food plan by making my portions humongous. Like two servings big. And no matter how much healthy stuff is in it, if I eat more than I need, I will store this extra stuff somewhere. So, whilst the catastrophizing thoughts are definitely unhealthy and destructive, the fact that I make my meals so big to try and fill the emptiness inside me is an active aspect of my eating disorder that I want to let go.

I am hiding my portion size behind the cloak of not wanting to under-eat. Balance. There it is again - the all-pervading concept I strive for. I find balance.

I am a commitment to balance.

I worked from home on Friday, had breakfast of oats, yoghurt, fruit and nuts. I love this goats yoghurt. 

After work, I met with a friend for dinner at a local pub. We ate, but more importantly, we talked. Honestly and openly. For dinner, I had a quarter chicken with honey roasted thyme carrots and a parsnip mash with wholegrain mustard. I finished it. 

Saturday, the check in revealed that my conversation with my friend had actually impacted me more than I first realized.

I am grateful for having run a successful meeting yesterday, for getting out into the cold and move, for having met and spent the evening with a friend.

I am feeling meh, unsatisfied as things don't turn out the way I envisioned them. I feel so exhausted, yet was unable to sleep longer, I have not calorie counted for a week and am disliking how my thighs touch each other, I have eaten lots last night (have not had a food plan for the week and feel like I should probably have one again).

I have taken Tuesday off, trying to get some breathing space, but I fear I have high expectations of a quick fix that likely won't address my exhaustion.

Also, my friend yesterday called me 'grown up' and 'inflexible', which is true, I am unyielding and tense, scared of flowing and letting go. I am scared.

My hearts desire is to acknowledge the fear and still let go. I am a commitment to balance and letting go

I went to a meeting, had acupuncture and relaxed at home. My eats:

Breakfast was an omelette with sautéed veggies and chipotle salsa. On the side a slice of home-made whole-wheat soda bread with some jam.

 

Lunch was a shop bought winter vegetable soup with frozen spinach thrown in and a bit of leftover French Onion Soup the British Boy had made. It transformed a mediocre soup into something much more tasty. It was exactly what my cold and shivering body craved after a walk in the slushy rain.

Yesterday's dinner was Thai take away, but I also ate an entire roasted head of cauliflower on top of an already filling dinner.

Today's check in:

Yesterday, I loved meeting the girls to go to a meeting together, getting acupuncture to detox and balance, having a hot soup after a bracing walk, sitting on the sofa lazily and watching movies and ordering in Thai food.

Today, I felt guilty about the amount of food I ate. I also feel sceptical towards the acupuncture, and i feel lost without the structure of planning my day. I am also starting to feel stressed about tomorrows work day. My hearts desire is to stay present and enjoy the day with the British Boy.

Thinking about yesterday more, in relation to food, I want go own up that I ate a lot more than I needed. I was looking for some reassurance by feeling full, very full. As if that was an anchor, something tangible I could rely on. I want to remind myself that now, in hindsight, that did not work. I feel as insecure as I did before I ate... I said in the meeting yesterday I would have a meal plan, yet I did not write it down. I will write one now.

I am a commitment to balance and mindfulness.
My food so far:

Coconut flour and oat pancakes with sautéed apples, seed butter and agave syrup. 

Lunch was leftover Thai Chicken Tom Yum soup with added veg and I had two pieces of chocolate as well as an eighth of double chocolate vegan cupcake.