It's best described in my check ins. First yesterday's:
I am thankful for having a sponsor, for having friends, for feeling loved, being loved and for being able and willing to be honest with myself.
I am tired. I just had a meeting with my sponsor, a wonderful woman, and she compassionately listened to everything I said, how my week in Seattle went, how last night went, how work is, how devastated I am about not sticking to my plan, how I struggle to let go, how I feel I need to do so many things this weekend, this week, this life... and then she said, "I hear that you're very tired." it never occurred to me that I might be tired, that my expectations of myself go beyond the food and body and work, that my high expectations of myself span actually everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. She suggested taking 5 more minutes in the morning or evening, identifying one area that pulls on me, one of my problems, and consciously putting that away and handing it over to the universe, letting it go. She also suggested taking a pebble and putting it in the corner of our garden, symbolically putting that one thing to the side and trusting that this thing will be taking care of by the universe.
She also suggested that I try and be kinder to myself, that I identify my high expectations and let them go. I don't know how. Maybe I don't think I need to know how, it'll happen.
I am a commitment to balance.
Then, today's:
Yesterday, I felt utterly drained, tired, sad, scared and angry and I am thankful for that. Thankful for feeling rather than suppressing feelings. I am so thankful for soft friends, for loving conversations, for a day free of obsession.
I had, after my meeting with my sponsor, a profound experience. I understood, saw with utter certainty, that to heal and get better, I had to let go of counting calories. I know, this might be a 'duh' fact for others, but for me to take action was as scary as first admitting my powerlessness over food. In fact, it was admitting exactly that, on a different level. A new, deeper level.
It scared me so much: the thought of not having that crutch filled me with existential fear. That sounds so dramatic, yet when I deleted my calorie counting and exercise tracking account, I felt so bereft and alone, I started crying - in broad daylight in the middle of the road. Not quietly, but properly. I had let go of that old trapeze, because I knew I couldn't hold on to it any longer and I was so scared of not making it to the next trapeze. I was, and to an extent still am, terrified of what would happen if I didn't make it across. Am I enough for myself? Is nature, the universe, anyone going to catch me if I fall? I called people, raw, full of fear, and they were there for me. I was there for me. It was very emotional. I kept on bursting into tears several times yesterday and kept on handing over my self will and control and I am learning to trust that things are balancing out, naturally, without me trying to control.
Today, I am still sad and scared and exhausted. My body feels heavy all over. I will be soft and kind to myself and not ask too much of me. I am a commitment to balance and letting go.
My eats were actually nourishing, delicious and just right what my body needed. For breakfast on Saturday, before meeting with my sponsor, I had a green monster smoothie made of kale, oats, left over sheep's milk yoghurt, banana and a bit of vanilla essence. I sunk a handful of blueberries in it, a spoonful of pepita sunflower seed butter and finished with a sprinkling of coconut and kasha. It's green in honour of St. Patrick's Day.
My lunch, after crying and sobbing and letting go, was a plate of veggies, a fried egg and two small toasts topped with Beecher's raw milk flagship, which I had brought back from Seattle. It is a great cheddar cheese.
Dinner was an unpictured meal of carrot and coriander soup followed by a roasted piece of salmon with new potatoes and broccoli. This was a first, eating the potatoes... I could not bring myself to eat all of them, but I ate a 'normal person's portion'. It's a step into the right direction.
The evening finished with watching Sleepless in Seattle, eating a minute portion of leftover gluten, dairy and sugar free avocado and chocolate tart and a solero.
For breakfast this morning, after meditating, I had a portion of French toast with apple, blueberries, roasted hazelnuts and a cinnamon peanut flour drizzle.
I ran to a meeting, visited a friend's house and came back to have unpictured chicken Sunday roast with the British Boy. I just finished dinner, a bed of kale topped with butternut squash (roasted in coconut oil), roasted red pepper, zucchini, mushrooms and topped with mini mackerel oat cakes.
I am full and I have no idea how many calories I consumed today. I found myself reaching for my phone, to put my calories into the app that is no longer installed, and reminded myself that I fed my body when it was hungry and that calorie counting is not the answer to anything and actually only perpetuates my disease.
To keep me honest, I struggled today with letting go over an exchange with a very close OA friend. I wrote her a text last night that upset her and she didn't reply, which is something that she had never done before. I felt guilty for having been confrontational with her and maybe not as soft and kind and understanding as I could have been, especially as she was there for me when I was so terrified yesterday. I projected how I would like to be treated onto her and when she didn't get back to me, I felt 'less than' and started obsessing about it. Intermingled with all that was real concern for her well being. She has since gotten in touch and explained why she hadn't been replying. The whole episode made me aware that I use others to validate myself. I feel quite sad for her and also for myself and I am intimidated and unsure how to interact with her going forward. British Boy just told me I am catastrophizing and overanalyzing. Pffft.
I'll go swimming tomorrow, hoping for no yucky bits...
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