Back at home

I am back. What a whirlwind week it's been, full of slips, challenges and triumphs. Full of learning a lot about myself and my self-will. Full of opportunities and temptations and full of great achievements.

Below are my check ins in chronological order - followed by my lunch and dinner yesterday.

Monday, March 4th:

Nothing can describe how thankful and grateful and happy I felt yesterday, starting with thanks for lovely bday messages, the love of my parents, the British Boy, my family and friends to the fact that the sun was shining in Seattle! I was thankful for being able to walk, for the people attending the meeting I went to, to the fact that I could simply walk into a shop and spend money without having financial worries. I loved and was blown away by my bday dinner and felt a real connection to everyone there. What a fantastic day.

Today, the sun is shining again, I want to put my plan into action and have already started doing so. I trust that if I follow it, I will maintain my abstinence. I feel good and nervous about meeting a lot of new people, and also excited.
I ate more than I wanted, and most importantly, needed, last night. The past is in the past and I'll focus on today.

I am a commitment to balance and love for myself.

Tuesday, March 5th:

Yesterday, I was thankful for sleeping for 6 hours, for being given an opportunity to take on more responsibility by presenting a piece of strategy, which went really well; thankful for an entire room of people I don’t know singing happy birthday to me; for sunshine; for not throwing up despite having had a mini binge. I ended up feeling really greedy at lunch, ate twice the amount that most other women did, had a lot of the snacks whilst drinking and wanted to do the right thing and not continue drinking, so went to my room and ended up eating a lot of crap. Stuffing my face senselessly. It was quite shocking as I had done the outreach to the people in the programme and done my morning reading and texted my group. I didn’t follow my eating plan though and that was what brought me to down.

Today, I am feeling guilty for yesterday and like I want to make up for it by restricting severely. This isn’t good and I acknowledge that I simply had an experience that I can learn from. I went for a short run this AM and am now feeling less compulsive about the food. I am a commitment to balance and my hearts desire is to stick to the food plan.

Wednesday, March 6th:

Yesterday, I am thankful for not having purged, for having been able to run, for laughing, for being able to give feedback to others.

Today, I am feeling tense, nervous, scared, guilty and also hopeful. I smoked a cigarette last night, ate a lot last night, felt uncomfortably full of food I would normally not eat. I wrote my food plan, committed it and feel positive. Yoga this AM helped me focus on surrendering.

I am a commitment to balance and softness for myself.

Thursday, March 7th
Yesterday, I was thankful for feeling free of compulsion up until dinner, for having a productive day at the conference, for not breaking my abstinence.

Today, I feel horribly guilty and very punitive towards myself. I stuck to the plan, and then dinner ended up surprising me, buffet style food again , arriving at a delay, I ate so much, my team noted on it, saying how I could stay that slim eating THAT much. They also got me a birthday cake, which I ended up eating all off and more of other peoples. I've not felt that full since my purging time. I didn't purge, but am now awake and still feel full. I will focus on my food plan for today, I cannot change what happened yesterday, only focus on today.
I'm a commitment to balance.

Friday, March 8th:
Here's the view from the Seattle Space Needle. It was a great last night in the city.
Yesterday, I was thankful for not being too harsh on myself, for not punishing myself, for having a lovely evening on the space needle with a palm reader and for the support of friends and fellows.

Today, I was shameful for yet another night of overeating, but am so very hopeful, thankful and happy to go back home. I have learned so much about myself and my processes and will definitely change how I approach business travel going forward.

I am a commitment to balance.

Saturday, March 9th:
I am thankful for having had a chance to see my ex-colleagues, finish the summit with a positive feeling, fir having had a safe trip, get a little sleep and for being back at home. I am also thankful for having not thrown up, for being aware that I still eat compulsively and emotionally.

Today, I feel full from the scone I just ate on top of my airplane breakfast, and ashamed about how much I am still in the clutches of my eating disorder. I felt I should be able to control my eating more. Yet control is exactly what I should surrender. What I am still having difficulties with. I am also already plodding how to lose the weight I put on, which is probably not the kindest or most compassionate approach. I am a commitment to balance and softness.

Sunday, March 10th:

Yesterday, I was thankful for my health, for being back home, for getting a good seat in the plane, for finishing unpacking.

Today, I am worried that despite being back home yesterday, I still overate. I know this was due to me being tired, lonely and scared, and also because of an unwillingness to reach out to people. I am scared about weight gain, I have overeaten about 6000 cals in total, which equates about 2lbs. Since I don't have scales, I imagine my body to be this grotesque wobbly thing, which intellectually, I know it’s not, but I cannot stop feeling disgusted by me and angry with myself. I will go to a meeting this morning.

I am a commitment to balance and willingness.

Lunch was a Buddha bowl - brown rice, roasted broccoli, red peppers, red onions, sweet potato, sautéed kale, fresh carrots, alfalfa sprouts and avocado all drizzled with a tahini-miso sauce. So filling and belly-warming.

 

Dinner was a slow cooked Chipotle Chili con Carne with more avocado, cilantro and tortilla wedges. Again, something very delicious and satisfying.

 

Monday, March 11th:

Yesterday was my first day back, I don't just mean physically, but mentally and spiritually too. I felt much more connected to my program, to my fellows, my support net and to myself. I am thankful for the coincidence of running down a particular street at just that time, when someone walked towards me who I knew. I am utterly touched and in awe of her opening up to me, allowing me to offer and accepting my help. I am also very happy about not obsessing about food, about short notice visits and about my openness to see my conversation with the British Boy as an opportunity to be challenged rather than an attack (although that insight only came this morning :)).

Today, I feel self conscious about my face and the huge red spot on my chin that feels like a second head. I am also quite stressed about all the things I want to do/ feel I NEED to do. Simultaneously, I am very much looking forward to tonight, meeting friends.

Scanning my body, I feel tense, like a fiddle, ready to have my strings snap with the smallest tension applied. I think I was like that all week and even though I worked out, it was not the balance I needed. I am not sure what I need, but my hearts desire is to relax, soften and find serenity. I think that comes with acceptance.

I am a commitment to balance and acceptance.